


Always Yours

by JeanJacquesFrancois, wildknees



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-18
Updated: 2015-01-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 21:30:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1484752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JeanJacquesFrancois/pseuds/JeanJacquesFrancois, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildknees/pseuds/wildknees
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Renly?" Loras ventured after a few moments, thinking aloud more than anything. "We shall still be friends even when I do go back to Highgarden, won't we?"</p>
<p>Renly laughed, the sound rich and warm. "I should imagine so."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Renly thought he'd misheard when his opponent's name was shouted out into the crowd. He must have misheard, he told himself. It must have been another name the herald had cried, for it was impossible that he might be in the capital. Renly would have known if he were here.

Though perhaps not, a small voice in the back of his head reasoned with him. It wasn't as if he'd want to see Renly. He'd left Renly with no doubt about that.

Part of Renly wanted to have misheard and yet another part of him, a part of himself that Renly had tried to silence for the last two years was looking around desperately, scanning the faces in the benches below him. It had been more time than Renly cared to acknowledge and yet he could still picture him as if it were yesterday, that boy who'd been as fair as summer itself.

It wasn't until his squire had helped Renly mount his horse and was passing up his helm that Renly spotted him. He was but a few feet away, not yet in the saddle and standing with the same careless elegance that he'd had even as a child.

The boy standing in front of him was taller than Renly remembered and the past two years had stolen the last of the childish softness from his face. There was no denying it, though. It was Loras Tyrell standing in front of him.

His cloak was a deep green, velvet with golden embroidery that shone in the sun. It was beautiful; he was beautiful and Renly soaked in the sight of him. He'd been Renly's once, his squire and companion, dressed in Baratheon colours for all to see. He was in the greens and golds of Highgarden now and as much as it pained Renly to admit it, they suited him more than the Baratheon black and gold ever had. Miserably, Renly wondered whether that might have been a sign - a sign that Mace Tyrell should never have handed him the son that they said he loved best of all.

With that in mind, Renly sighed as he urged his horse a little further towards him. He'd spent years imagining what he might say to Loras if their paths were to cross once more. Evenings and evenings he'd spent, writing explanations, apologies, excuses, all in his best hand on the most luxurious parchment the Seven Kingdoms could offer. Every single one of them had burned, consumed by the flames as Renly had thrown them one by one into the fireplace.

Reams and reams he'd written, and now he could barely manage to open his mouth.

"Loras," he said simply. The name rolled off his tongue as it always had done and for a brief moment Renly expected Loras' eyes to light up, for that bright smile to spread across his face as it always had done whenever Renly had called his name. Feeling brave, he chanced a smile.

Loras didn't even deign to look at him.

Quickly, Renly looked away. He knew Loras had heard, had probably seen his smile too. Loras was ignoring him on purpose and he deserved it, Renly knew. Not for the reasons that he imagined Loras would give him and yet even so, Renly knew he deserved it all the same.

Renly didn't look over again as he made his way down to his end of the lists. He wished more than anything that he could forfeit the tilt, forget all about the tourney and just go back to his chambers where he could sit peacefully and lose himself in memories of a time when Loras had smiled back at him each and every time. The capital was watching him, however, and so he sat up straight and proud, saluting Robert one last time before he pulled up for the tilt.

Renly let his horse carry him as he hurtled down the lists. Hidden behind his armour, it was easy to pretend now that this was a stranger charging at him, that it was anybody else aside from the boy who Renly had been sure would always be by his side.

The lance hit him like a hammer to the chest and Renly felt the air rushing past his ears, drowning out the roars of the crowd. The ground was almost a relief and Renly lay dazed for a few moments before he even made an attempt to get to his feet. It seemed as if all the air had been knocked out of him. He felt somehow deflated and above all a little disappointed as his squire came running forward to help him. Once it would have been Loras waiting at the side of the lists, his hands steady as he set Renly back on his feet. Now, though, Loras hadn't even spared a cursory glance back in his direction.

Loras had ridden round in a wide circle after unhorsing him, his helm off and under his arm now. The crowd seemed to adore him and Renly wondered whether this was fate's way of punishing him, whether his place as the crowd's favourite was about to be usurped by the boy he'd done so wrong by.

Forcing a smile for the crowds though, Renly led his horse back up the lists in the way he had come. Loras was still there, basking in his victory with a smile that Renly reckoned only he saw right through.

"Congratulations," he mumbled up at Loras, his cheeks burning in a way that was unfamiliar to him. In painful silence he waited, desperate for Loras to say something back, anything really.

He might as well have spoken to the Wall for all the answer he got.


	2. Chapter 2

Moving to the capital was the right choice, Loras reminded himself again. He'd won countless tourneys in the past two year, both within the Reach and outside, even venturing as far as Riverrun as he claimed victory after victory and gained admirers in droves, and yet he'd avoided each and every tournament held at King's Landing ever since hearing of the appointment of the new Master of Laws. Still, he could not let that hold him back forever. If he truly wanted to be the best, he knew that King's Landing was where he needed to be

So far it was all he'd hoped. He didn't care for the Dornishman who was the master-at-arms, but there were plenty of other skilled knights to spar with. The best knights in Westeros were in King's Landing and now Loras was among them.

It was thus a great disappointment to find that the one thing that had kept Loras away from the capital for so long was every bit as aggravating as he expected.

Renly made no attempt to speak to him beyond the casual greeting and stilted congratulations on the tourney field, and yet his presence was stifling. He watched from the edge of the yard but disappeared the moment Loras finished training, he orbited Loras during feasts but never came close enough to speak, and he seemed to lounge around the gardens outside Loras' living quarters far more than necessary. Today Renly had followed him all the way from the great hall to the castle armoury, at enough of a distance that he may have gone unnoticed if it weren't for the fact that it was difficult for anyone with Renly's height and flare for fashion to go anywhere unnoticed.

Loras could see Renly out the window of the armoury, lurking about closer than usual today, a look of nervous determination on his face. The day had finally come, it seemed. Loras had no desire to speak to him yet Renly's behaviour made it very clear that he wanted to talk to Loras.

Knowing that Renly was waiting, Loras stayed and listen with feigned interest to the blacksmith's lengthy description of replacing the worn grip of his sword and sharpening the edge, as well as his offer to forge a fine new dagger for Loras. Loras managed to waste nearly an hour in the armoury, all the while catching glimpses of Renly outside doing a very poor job of looking inconspicuous around the edges of the yard.

Renly disappeared from sight when Loras left the armoury, though it did not take long to spot him again. Through the tall hedges that lined the path Loras was following he could see flashes of movement, the bright Baratheon gold of Renly's doublet doing little to camouflage him into the greenery.

When a rustle of branches and a muttered curse came from around the corner, Loras knew what to expect. He rounded the corner to find Renly before him on the path, his sleeve still tangled in the bushes he had quite clearly just emerged from.

"Oh! Good afternoon, Loras," Renly said with perfectly feigned surprise. "I was taking a stroll through these gardens. What a surprise to bump into you here."

"Isn't it just?" Loras sneered back. Renly's act may have been more convincing if he weren't still trying to tug his sleeve free from the rosebush it was caught in. With a rough tug and an accompanying rip of fabric, Renly finally managed to free himself.

"I heard you're living in King's Landing," Renly continued as if his sleeve weren't now hanging in tatters. "Are you enjoying it? You've never been to the capital before, have you?"

"You know I haven't."

"And have you had a chance to see much of the city?"

Loras shrugged. "Why would I want to? Even if I was blind I could see that most of this city looks as bad as it smells."

"Ah, but there are so many interesting sights to see here, as well as a few hidden treasures, if you know where to look." Renly's smile was the same one that won over serving girls, highborn lords, and everyone in between and Loras did his best to resist it. "Let me show you around."

A wry grin came to Loras' face. He'd always expected that if he and Renly crossed paths again, Renly would try to continue on as if nothing had ever happened between them and as if they'd parted as dear friends. Evidently he'd been right to expect that.

"No, thank you," Loras said, not sounding the least bit thankful.

Renly's smile finally turned strained at the flat rejection. "Please, wouldn't you like to see the Dragonpit? Or Cobblers' Square? And you always said you wanted to see the Great Sept of Baelor..."

That sparked Loras' interest. He'd desperately wanted to visit Baelor's Sept ever since Willas had read to him about it when he was a child. It could not be too difficult for Loras to find his own way there from the Red Keep and avoid letting Renly lead him, but the ripped part of Renly's sleeve dangled from his arm, and Loras knew that Renly would hate to be seen like that. He would surely want to go back to his chambers to change before going anywhere.

"We'll go the Sept of Baelor now, then. Let's go get our horses saddled," Loras said.

"Now?" Renly asked, as hesitant as Loras hoped, "Perhaps we should leave it until a little later, when the sun isn't so high..."

"I've many things to be getting on with later, so thank you for the offer, but I'll have to decline." Without a goodbye, Loras turned to leave Renly in the garden.

"Wait!" Renly said before Loras even got a yard away, "We can go now, if you'd like."

They did. Moments later they were at the stables getting their horses saddled, and then they were riding out together.

Loras surprised himself by agreeing though he could see why he'd done it. Forcing Renly into public with a ripped sleeve was nothing compared to the tortures Loras would have liked to put him through, and yet seeing Renly squirm in discomfort was still satisfying. As they rode out from the keep, Renly even tried to tug his riding gloves up high enough to cover the tear, with no success.

"It stinks," Loras said as soon as they passed through the castle gates into the city.

No one could not make any protest to that. Renly chattered as they rode through the streets, pointing out this and that among the buildings and crowds, though Loras largely ignored him. He cared for little but seeing the Sept of Baelor. They passed through a market square and turned onto a street that Loras was sure was the Street of Sisters, but they were already some ways down it before Loras realized that the sept didn't lie before them. Instead there was another market square with the strong smell of fish.

"This isn't the Sept of Baelor," Loras said, halting his horse in the middle of the road.

Renly stopped beside him and smiled. "No, this is Fishmonger's Square. We're going to take the Street of Steel around, and that will bring us back to the Sept of Baelor."

Alarmed, Loras glanced around the narrow road. He should have realized sooner that this street was far too level to be ascending Visenya's Hill. "I only want to see the Sept of Baelor."

"You will," Renly insisted. "Just wait until you see the Street of Steel, though. You'll love it."

Loras highly doubted that. He glanced back over his shoulder; surely he could find his way back to the Keep from here, though not to the Sept of Baelor, and he did want to see the sept. Without bothering to hide his annoyance, he continued on after Renly.

Not all of the vendors in Fishmonger's Square were selling fish, but it smelled as if they were. The sour stink of it was overpowering but Renly was smiling as broadly as ever when he led them through the market to another street off the edge of the square.

"Here's the Street of Steel. You'll love it, Loras. I promise you will," Renly said.

Loras turned up his nose as he glanced down the street, seeing all the open forges and ironmongers. The street's entrance was flanked on both sides by brothels. "This, Renly? This is more suited to your tastes than mine," he said humourlessly.

Renly made no response to that, though his cheeks turned faintly pink as they continued down the winding road. The Street of Steel was filled with blacksmiths' shops and as they ascended the hill, the open forges and ironmongers gave way to large shops with elaborately crafted weaponry and armour displayed outside.

"Some of the finest armorers in Westeros have their shops here," Renly explained, as if Loras should be awed by that. Loras only shrugged.

"The blacksmith in Highgarden has already made me the finest weapons and armour money can buy," he said.

"Finely crafted, no doubt, but you won't believe the beautiful things these blacksmiths can make." Renly pointed to a building near the top of the hill. It was one of the largest on the street, with carved doors and two stone soldiers outside displaying intricate red armour. "Look there, Loras. That armour isn't painted, the steel itself is red. The blacksmith there can work colour into-"

"I don't care. I only want to see the Sept of Baelor."

Renly gave up pointing out other interesting sights after that. It seemed he hadn't forgotten what Loras could be like once he'd made up his mind not to like something. Had Renly actually expected Loras to be pleased about any of this? Loras hadn't even wanted to go out into the city with Renly and yet Renly had dragged him around to places he didn't want to go. With that in mind, Loras didn't feel the least bit guilty about the disheartened look on Renly's face.

They had to go all the way down to the foot of Visenya's Hill before they could turn and climb it again on the Street of the Sisters, but as the tall towers of the Sept of Baelor came into view, Loras found it harder and harder to be snide to Renly. By the time they reached the plaza before the sept he was even smiling. The huge statue of Baelor the Blessed stood above them watching serenely, even bigger than Loras had imaged, and beyond the plaza was the sept itself, made of beautiful white marble with seven sides and seven crystal towers that glittered in the afternoon sun.

They left their horses with the city guards and climbed the steps. The huge doors would take them through the Hall of Lamps, Loras knew, but that was never how he'd imagined himself entering.

"I want to enter through the Warrior's Doors," he told Renly.

Each of the seven sides of the sept showed one of the seven faces of the gods, and they circled around to reach the Warrior's Doors. The huge wooden doors were decorated with an elaborately carved and painted image of the Warrior with his sword raised in valour, and Renly and Loras entered through it into the hall.

Incense scented the air from the moment they stepped inside. The hall was lined with carvings and paintings of the Warrior and their boots clicked against the marble floors satisfyingly as they neared the inner sept. Loras felt a thrill building inside himself. He'd been waiting since he was a child for the moment they stepped into the sept proper.

It was bigger than Loras had ever imagined, and more beautiful. The leaded windows coloured the sunlight in all shades, making the sept glow as if a rainbow was caught inside it. Seven altars surrounded the inner aisles, each of them lavishly carved and jewelled.

Renly walked at Loras' side as Loras admired each of the statues of the gods, surrounded by the candles lit by the devout. He made no protest at Loras' slow progress and seemed amused by his look of awe when they took a seat in the benches.

"Shall we light a candle and say a prayer to the Warrior?" Renly asked.

Drawn from his reverie, Loras glanced over at him. "I know the gods aren't real, Renly."

Such news apparently came as a surprise to Renly, as his eyebrows shot up his forehead. "But you love the gods!" he protested.

"Loved, when I was still half a child. I'm old enough now to realize that they're just stories, the same as grumpkins and snarks." Loras smiled. "Don't look so shocked. I know you've never believed in them either, even when you'd come with me each week to the sermons in Storm's End."

Renly grinned as he slouched back in the bench. "True. Though if I had to sit through any sermons, at least the Faith of the Seven is a particularly pretty one."

"You were lucky I didn't keep the old gods, then."

"That would have been truly dreadful, trying to pretend to be interested in that," Renly laughed. With the Seven, Renly sang the hymns and marvelled at the beautiful crystals even if he had no belief in the gods, but the dreary worship of the old gods would likely have been too much to bear for him, Loras thought. "Though why did you want to enter through the Warrior's Doors, if you don't believe anymore?"

Loras thought about it and shrugged. "The gods aren't real, but that doesn't mean they never meant anything to me. There was a time when I prayed to the Warrior every day that I should be a great knight."

"From what I've heard, it sounds like you've gotten there even without the Warrior's help."

"Even so, I wanted to enter through the Warrior's Doors." Loras smiled and got to his feet. "And I shall leave by the Stranger's."

"That's so morbid," Renly protested.

"That's how it will end eventually, you know. All men must die."

"Yes, but why dwell on it? Come, let's find the Smith's Doors instead."

Renly stood as well and turned to lead them away, though Loras started in the other direction. He made it far enough that Renly had to loop around through the benches to catch up with him again.

"Loras, please don't," Renly said, half a laugh. Loras grinned and pressed on with Renly at his heels. With pious and godsworn all around, Renly couldn't make a move to stop Loras without drawing unwanted attention so he was forced to trail after him. An elderly septa smiled at them as they passed, thinking she was watching two devout young men leaving from an afternoon of prayer.

As soon as they stepped into the deserted side hall, Renly made a grab at Loras' arm, but Loras had already taken off in a sprint towards the Stranger's Doors. " _Loras, stop!_ " Renly laughed as he chased after him. Renly's legs were longer but Loras had always been faster, and he kept out of Renly's grasp as they tore down the empty hall.

At the end of it, Loras pushed open the black, unornamented doors and burst outside into the afternoon sun, laughing with Renly right behind him laughing just as hard. For a moment Loras felt as happy as he'd ever been, and then Renly smiled as he looked at him and said, "I've missed this. I wish you hadn't left."

Like a slap in the face, the words brought Loras' senses back to him again. He remembered just who he was standing with, and all that had passed between them. His good mood disappeared like smoke and he found himself sneering at Renly.

"I wish I hadn't had to," Loras replied flatly.

"You didn't. I mean, if you..." A worried, slightly desperate look appeared on Renly's face at how quickly things were slipping downhill. "This was fun today. Right? We should spend more time together again soon? I was thinking of having a party, with dancing and a grand feast." His ripped sleeve dangled pathetically as he waved his hands, as if he could paint the scene and draw Loras in. "Maybe I'll bring up some minstrels from Oldtown. You'd like that. Would you come?"

"I think not."

"Loras..." Renly said, almost pleading. Loras drew himself up and nodded dismissively.

"Thank you for the tour of the city, lord Renly. I can find my own way back to the keep," he said, and he turned and strode away.

The guards were surprised when Loras returned to them alone, and though they suggested he shouldn't, they let him take his horse and ride off into the city. Finding his way from the Sept of Baelor back to the Red Keep wasn't difficult, which only annoyed Loras further. He wished he never agreed to go with Renly. He wished he turned and left the very moment Renly started speaking to him. It was just like Renly to brush off everything that had happened between them and move on at once, and really, Loras should have known better by now.


	3. Chapter 3

_Renly should have known better than to trust the weather in the Stormlands to remain sunny for long. The skies had been clear when they'd left Storm's End and yet now, as Renly led them further and further along the path, he couldn't help but glance warily to the east. Huge black clouds were rolling in off the bay, quickly darkening the sky until nothing was left above them but a churning blanket of grey. They were too far from the castle to return before the storm hit, and yet not close enough to that special, hidden place in the Stormwoods that Renly had hoped to finally show Loras today._

_Though Loras was no expert on the weather here as Renly was, he too could sense the impending storm. The air felt thicker with the cloud cover, and wet against his skin. A rumble in the distance told him that it was only a moments before the downpour began._

_Indeed, the heavens opened then, the first few drops of rain falling and then proceeding into a heavy downpour in only a matter of seconds. Cursing, Renly caught Loras' arm to pull him under the cover of a nearby tree._

_It was a large sturdy oak, the sort of tree that must have stood for centuries, since before Aegon, before the First Men even. It provided shelter from the rain and yet still Renly had to sigh. Rain in the Stormlands seldom passed quickly and it was likely that they'd be stuck here for some time if they did not wish to get soaked to the bone._

_"It shall stop soon." He assured Loras anyway._

_"Shall it indeed?" Loras questioned. He recognized that tone in Renly's voice - it was the same one that Renly used when trying to placate his bannermen, cheery and confident, and Loras knew it for a fake._

_"Do you doubt my word Loras?" Renly asked, grinning._

_Loras did doubt his word. One of the first things he'd learnt at Storm's End was that storms were quick to blow in but they were usually less than hasty in leaving. It was the height of summer and yet he and Renly more often than not passed the evenings in Renly's chambers, sitting by the window and watching the rain stream down the glass._

_That rain was just as relentless today and though the tree provided good cover, a few droplets still crept through the branches. Loras shivered as a particularly cold drop ran down the back of his neck and into his clothes. This didn't escape Renly in the slightest and in one fluid movement, he reached out and dragged Loras further under the tree where it was dry._

_"You're getting wet," he commented, brushing the droplets of water from the tops of Loras' shoulders._

_Loras just rolled his eyes. As far as he was concerned, Renly had a penchant for stating the obvious. It was raining, of course he was getting wet._

_"Give me your cloak." Renly instructed._

_Loras gave it to him and watched, unimpressed, as Renly made to lie it on the ground. "What?" Renly said with a wide smile. "You didn't think I was going to use mine did you?"_

_Loras supposed he could not expect that. The ground near the base of the tree was fairly dry but it was littered with leaves and twigs that would tangle in the fine vair trim of Renly's cloak, and Renly was ever so vain about his clothing. As much as Loras did not wish to dirty his own cloak, he couldn't really deny Renly anything. He sat down when Renly gestured for it and leaned back against the tree._

_Renly studied him for a moment, noticing how very slight and very cold Loras looked without the cloak wrapped around him. Renly had grown up in damp air like this and was not in the least bit bothered by it. Loras, though, was used to the warm sunshine of Highgarden, long sunny days that did not know the threat of storms._

_Unfastening his own cloak, Renly tossed it carelessly over Loras' knees as he took a seat beside him. It left Renly in just a very thin satin doublet that offered little protection from the wind and rain and yet Renly did not appear to mind. Not for the first time Loras had to notice that Renly never seemed to be cold. His lord just seemed to radiate warmth. His eyes, his voice, everything about him was warm. It was if some fire flickered deep within him, a reassuring and inviting warmth that Renly never ceased to share with those around him. Indeed, men and women alike seemed to just gravitate towards him, by instinct, as moths were drawn to a flame._

_Smiling, Loras pulled up his knees and put his arms tightly around them. The weather was dismal and yet Loras could find little complaint. The tree's branches were thick and old, woven tightly together as if the gods had known that two boys just Loras and Renly's size would find shelter from the rain there. Rearranging Renly's cloak over his knees, Loras leant heavily against Renly's shoulder and watched the rain cascade down outside, running in rivulets down the path they'd just walked up._

_Renly's cloak did little to keep Loras warm as the downpour continued and the way he still shivered slightly did not escape Renly's notice, nor did the way Loras curled up tighter into himself. Sighing, Renly had to feel slightly guilty for dragging him out into the forest today, as well as disappointed that the rain had spoiled his plans to show Loras that special place. Renly had not wanted anyone else to know of the place before, but he had also not had anyone to share it with back then. True that Loras was his squire, and a dutiful one at that, yet in the year since he'd arrived at Storm's End he'd become Renly's closest friend as well._

_Loras still went above and beyond in serving Renly as a squire, taking even his attendant duties more seriously than Renly had expected from such a strong-spirited boy as Loras, but he was also happy just to spend the day with Renly and talk about whatever caught their fancy. Still, sometimes Renly wondered if Loras would be just as agreeable to doing things like following Renly into the Stormwoods on a day when it would surely rain if Renly was not his lord. Weather like this just didn't suit Loras. He never complained, but also never seemed to have adjusted to the frequent rain and blustery winds that were very little like the balmy weather of the Reach._

_Whilst the branches protected them well, it wasn't quite well enough. Loras blinked as a droplet of water escaped through the canopy of leaves and ran down his cheek. He made to brush it off and yet Renly got there first. Contemplatively, Renly wiped it off with the pad of his thumb before sighing deeply._

_"I bet you can't wait to escape back to Highgarden can you?" he asked._

_Loras frowned and shook his head determinedly. There was once a time when he had wanted nothing more than to return home, but it certainly wasn't so now. Storm's End was his home now and it had been some time since he last thought about when he would return to Highgarden. He thought about it now though, and on reflection it seemed a rather bleak prospect._

_"Renly?" Loras ventured after a few moments, thinking aloud more than anything. "We shall still be friends even when I do go back to Highgarden, won't we?"_

_Renly laughed, the sound rich and warm. "I should imagine so."_

_Loras raised an eyebrow sceptically. "You imagine so?" He pushed at Renly's shoulder ineffectually. "Is that it?"_

_Renly grinned. "Fine then. I know so."_

_"Prove it."_

_"Prove it?" Renly repeated back to him in mock disbelief, his eyes sparkling with amusement. "I don't have to prove anything to you Loras. I'm your lord I'll have you know. You should do well to remember that."_

_"But you're my friend too." Loras protested._

_"That is true." Renly admitted, his grin widening. He scratched his head thoughtfully, pushing his hair off his forehead. He couldn't help but feel a rush of fondness for Loras at his words and suddenly he found himself wanting to give Loras a sign of just how much he meant to him, even if they'd be unlikely to reach the hidden place in the forest today._

_"Here." He said, reaching inside his cloak and drawing out a pin. "This was my mother's." He pressed it into Loras' hand. "And then it was mine. And now, it shall be yours. A token of our friendship."_

_Loras looked at it in his hand. The silver brooch was in shape of stag with a black jewel held amongst its antlers. Many of Loras' garments already displayed the Baratheon sigil and he was dressed entirely in black and gold to show which house he served, yet this was a different sort of thing altogether. It was not given as a lord to a squire, but as a friend to a friend, a gift that Renly hoped Loras would carry with him even when he was knighted._

_"It's beautiful." Loras breathed in awe, running his fingers over the jewels in the stag's antlers. "But this pin was your mother's. I can't take it."_

_Renly laughed. "You've been my squire for a year now and you can't even tell the difference between a pin and a brooch? I should be ashamed."_

_Loras laughed as well. He looked for his own brooch. It was still pinned to his cloak on the ground and Loras unfastened it. It was the only thing on his person that he supposed he could really call his. Everything else, from the sword at his waist to the very clothes on his back had been provided by Renly, those necessities given to a squire from his lord. The brooch on the other hand was truly Loras' own._

_"You'll be Lord Renly's squire, and you're to serve House Baratheon well," his father had said on the day Loras left Highgarden, "But it matters not what colours you're wearing. Remember where your pride truly lies." He'd pinned something to Loras' riding cloak with that, and Loras had looked down to find the most beautiful golden rose brooch at his chest. His heart swelled with pride to see it and he'd lain a hand over the brooch as he bid his father farewell._

_Since that day, the brooch had been ever at his chest and he looked at it wistfully before handing it over. He had always imagined that he should loathe to part with it and yet giving it to Renly seemed as easy as taking a breath. "Then this is for you." He said, pressing it into Renly's warm palm and making Renly's heart swell with fondness once more. "Friends then?"_

_Renly smiled and putting his hand around Loras', closed his fingers around the brooch. "Always." He promised, meaning it with all his being._

_"Always," Loras agreed._


	4. Chapter 4

Despite Loras' cold dismissal of the idea, Renly decided to throw his party anyway. It was what he did best and he told himself that it would allow him to save some face, that going through with his plans would prove to Loras that he hadn't taken the rejection too much to heart.

All the same, Renly couldn't help himself keeping Loras in mind as he organised every single last detail. He did indeed have singers sent up from Oldtown, and when choosing the dishes for the feast, he found himself choosing the foods that he knew Loras liked best. By the time that he had finished even, the ensemble of proposed dishes read like a list of Highgarden delicacies. Renly had even taken great care in informing the cooks that there was to be no hint of sweetgrass at his table that day, one of the few foods he knew that Loras could not stand.

And it truly was to be a grand event, Renly had to think to himself as the evening arrived. Renly had invited half the court and as it was an indisputable truth that he threw the best feasts in the entire seven kingdoms, everybody who was anybody seemed to be in attendance.

Mindful that it was to be the most sophisticated evening in the capital for moons to come, every one of Renly's guests had dressed to impress. The men's doublets hung heavy with brooches and jewelled sigils whilst the ladies were a flurry of colour, their wide silk skirts swirling about them like banners as they walked and the embroidery sewn upon the fabric shimmering in the candlelight.

Renly greeted each of his guests in person, and whilst he came across several who hadn't been on his guest list at all, there was no sign of the one person he'd been hoping to see. His heart leapt every time he caught a glimpse of someone with curly hair and yet it never was him.

Renly was forced to admit defeat once the last of his guests had been seated. He took his own place a little reluctantly, sitting at the head of the largest table where he would be able to preside over the hall.

The feast indeed was magnificent and Renly smiled to see the delight on his guests' faces as the servants brought out the dishes. There were venison pies aplenty, a gaggle of stuffed geese, duck glazed in a plum dressing, pears poached in wine, turnips and pease and sweetcorn and great wheels of cheese. Each and every dish could not fail to please and with the sweet came the most magnificent of all, delicate cream unicorns seated atop lemon cakes sprinkled with rose sugar.

Refusing to be outdone by the food, Renly had worn his finest clothes to the feast. His doublet was made of the most luxurious blue silk and a matching half-cape draped elegantly over one shoulder. With woven silver detailing the edges of all his garments and real sapphires set into the clasps, Renly was confident that he was the best dressed man in attendance, despite the evident effort made by all his guests.

All in all, it was an almost perfect evening, Renly thought as he helped himself to a large portion of honey-drizzled rabbit. There was only one thing missing, Renly found, and it wasn't until now that he realised that a part of him had truly been holding out hope that Loras would relent, that he would grace Renly with his presence this evening. Glancing around at his guests, all laughing and drinking courtesy of his generosity, Renly wondered what Loras was doing tonight. He surely must have been spending the evening alone, as even that part of the court that Renly hadn't invited had turned up anyway, in droves even, and he hadn't had the heart to turn them away.

The dancing began shortly after the last dish was served, and Renly chose Lady Rosby for his partner. He had offered his hand to Cersei and yet she had turned her nose up at it disdainfully.

Renly was mid-step when he saw the great oak doors at the back of the hall creak open and a figure slip inside. Even at a distance Renly found he could easily recognise Loras and he almost abandoned his partner in excitement. With Loras' hair a tumble of curls and his golden eyes bright and lively, it was as if the years had rolled back and Renly was seeing his squire again. Indeed, if it hadn't been for the way the satin of his clothing caught the candlelight and boasted how his shoulders had broadened in the past two years, Renly could have believed him back in the great hall at Storm's End.

Needless to say, he made his excuses to Lady Rosby as soon as there was a lull in the music and headed over.

"Ser Loras," he said, unable to keep the joy out of his voice. "You came." He smiled widely at him. This, he hoped, was what he'd spent countless nights dreaming about. Loras was going to come to his senses and realise that this bitterness between them could hardly last forever. They'd been friends for years after all, four blissful years that had suddenly come crashing down as the result of one poor decision that Renly had made a very long time ago.

Loras nodded curtly though, and Renly felt the smile slowly falling from his face.

"Yes," he admitted. "I came."

That was all he said and the silence hung awkwardly between them, Renly looking down at his shoes.

"I had minstrels from Oldtown brought," Renly said as cheerfully as he could manage as the silence stretched on. "Aren't they marvellous? The Reach does have such lovely singers."

Loras glanced over at the singers, stood with lutes in hand at the front of the hall. Many of the younger boys and girls who had not yet learnt to dance sat entranced before them. "I've heard them before," he said disdainfully. "They're not very good."

Renly felt the wind knocked out of his sails once more. "Can I tempt you with some wine then?" He gestured to one of the flagons on a nearby table. "It's the finest the Arbour has to offer."

"No thank you." Loras said, and with that he just walked past him. Renly stared after him, a little taken aback. He was the king's brother - nobody simply walked past him.

Loras had done just that, though, and now he was making conversation with the youngest daughter of Duskendale. He seemed perfectly happy to share a cup of wine with her, and Renly wondered if that was why he had come: to humiliate him and make his evening a misery.

Renly suddenly had no desire to dance. He sat down heavily at the nearest table and picked up the flagon he'd offered to Loras.

It went down easily. Too easily in fact.

Loras danced ever so elegantly and Renly watched him longingly as he nursed his cup. There were many knights from the Reach here and between each dance, Loras would talk with them animatedly. Once upon a time, it would have been Renly that Loras sought out eagerly in between dances and yet now he didn't even so much as throw a glance in Renly's direction.

Renly rose sharply as the next dance looked set to begin, and beckoned a girl forward from one of the tables. He didn't know who she was and he didn't really care.

She was very graceful on her feet and yet Renly was ashamed to admit that none of his attention was on her. Instead, he found himself watching another pair of dancers and he held his breath every time the steps brought them closer.

"Why are you here?" Renly hissed under his breath at Loras as the music brought them together.

Loras ignored him and simply smiled down at his partner a little smugly.

"It's to torment me isn't it?"

"Perhaps," Loras admitted shortly as he stepped forward once more to retake his partner's hands.

The dance moved them away again then, and yet Renly's eyes never left Loras. He watched him ceaselessly as he twirled his partner round and round like a spinning top. Loras was quite evidently all too aware of him watching. He was more affectionate with his partner than Renly had ever seen him be before, his hands lingering on her waist far longer than was necessary.

He was doing it to tease him, Renly knew. And it was working. Renly couldn't look away from the pair of them, couldn't help himself remembering Loras' hands brushing his own waist instead.

It was more distracting than Renly could take and Renly cringed as he tripped over his own feet, muddling the steps like a young boy would.

He didn't miss the infuriatingly gleeful smile that this brought to Loras' face. This smile, unlike the ones he was bestowing on his partner, was not faked, and Renly had to sigh as he realised that the only way to make Loras smile that was left to him now was to make a fool of himself for Loras' amusement.

Renly didn't dance again after that and he returned to the table to drink, doing his best to laugh and jest with those seated there too. He understood now why Robert enjoyed it so much. Every cup helped him forget the cold words exchanged between him and Loras tonight a little more, or at least helped him pretend that he didn't care.

He finished the flagon quickly and it was almost instantaneously refilled by a helpful servant girl. Renly polished off that one too and by the time he drained the last drop from that one he was well and truly into his cups.

He had to stumble to his feet to see some of his guests out, and he was just heading back to his table and the cup of wine left there, when he felt strong hands around his wrist, dragging him outside.

He was quite evidently drunk as his first thought was that he was about to be assassinated. Nobody ran him through, though, and the next thing he knew was that Loras' chest was pressed against his, the sensation so familiar that it threatened to overwhelm him.

"What are you doing?" Renly gasped, the words tumbling from his mouth in a slurred waterfall.

Loras didn't answer. He just pushed Renly further up against the wall and kissed him, his fingers slipping inside Renly's doublet to caress his skin. He tasted of wine too, and that wasn't a taste Renly associated with Loras.*

"Don't," Renly breathed, stumbling as he tried to pull away. "Please Loras, just don't."

"You don't want me?" Loras growled. He pushed himself further up against him and Renly gasped into his mouth at the feeling of hard cocks through fabric. Smirking, Loras moved his teasing hand downwards, tracing the outline of Renly's cock with a long finger. "I beg to differ."

"I do," Renly protested desperately. "But we can't."

"Why not?" Loras retorted, his eyes flashing dangerously. "It's just pleasure, Lord Renly. And aren't you just so fond of mindless pleasure?"

Renly gulped. He didn't have an answer for that. Perhaps he might have done had he not been so in his cups. As it was, the wine and the fact that Loras was simply so close was making his head swim. The smell of him, the way his hands were pressed against his chest, everything about him was just as intoxicating as the wine had been.

 _"Why not?_ " Loras pushed. " _Tell me why._ " His voice was sharp and commanding and it made Renly doubt whether Loras had ever been his squire.

"Because we're friends," Renly said desperately, wishing that that were indeed the case. "Because I'm drunk and you're drunk and I'll just ruin everything between us all over again."

Loras laughed, the sound echoing coldly around the corridor. "I assure you Renly, there is nothing left to ruin. You made sure of that."

"I never meant to," Renly flailed. "You know I never meant to."

"So," Loras whispered in his ear, ignoring his words and gesturing down the corridor, one hand idly resting on the laces of Renly's breeches. "Shall we? Or would you prefer to go elsewhere? I'm sure you could find plenty of other boys to cater to your needs?" He bit down on Renly's neck so hard that it hurt.

Renly just whimpered. He knew he ought to say no, to walk away tonight, and yet Loras didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. Renly wasn't sure if he wanted to either now. Loras had taken his kisses lower, his warm hands undoing the clasps on Renly's doublet to press his hot wet lips there, and Renly was beginning to realise just quite what was in his grasp tonight. He'd have Loras underneath him once more, his legs wrapped round his waist and pleasure etched on his face that would be all of Renly's doing. He'd be warm and solid and if Renly was lucky, he'd pant Renly's name as he neared his release.

Loras was offering him all that and more, and all he had to do was reach out and take it.


	5. Chapter 5

_Loras didn't know who the squire he saw entering Renly's chambers was. The boy looked to be a year or two older than Loras, and he carried himself with a swagger that said he knew exactly how handsome he was. Perhaps Renly was taking a second squire, Loras thought. It would not be unusual for a lord of Renly's standing to do so but when Loras imagined that boy joining him and Renly as they sat together in the evenings, or helping to dress Renly in his armour, or even tidying Renly's things alongside Loras, just the thought was enough to make Loras instantly dislike the boy._

_Renly made no mention of the visit the next day, nor when the boy came by again on the next. Several times over the next weeks Loras watched the unknown squire slip unannounced into Renly's chambers, usually very late at night, though he was always gone by morning._

_"Why is that other squire coming to visit you so often?" he asked Renly one day._

_Renly's first instinct was to grasp for a plausible excuse, or a way to change the subject, until he realised that this opportunity was one he probably ought to take advantage of if he had any sense. He'd wanted to broach this subject with Loras for some time now and had worried endlessly that Loras would find out some other, less gentle way. Even if Loras did not take it well, at least Renly could comfort himself with the knowledge that he'd said it to him directly._

_"His name is Rickard," Renly started._

_"But why is he around so often?"_

_With a steadying breath, Renly continued. "Why, he comes here so I can bed him."_

_Loras was helpless to stop his jaw from dropping. "_ Bed him?"  _he whispered._

_"Yes, that's right."_

_"You_ lie _with him?"_

_There was no trace of disgust from Loras at least, and the dumb-struck look on his face was too comical for Renly to resist smiling. "Yes, I do."_

_"And... and you like it?"_

_"I like it very much."_

_Loras bit his lip as he thought about that. "I've heard that there are some men who don't desire women's company," he ventured._

_"Not spoke of kindly, I gather," Renly said, unsurprised when Loras confirmed that with a nod. "I'm one of those men, whatever people say about it. I know I must do my duty and take a wife one day. But all men have needs - well, perhaps my brother Stannis doesn't." He laughed, and was pleased to see that Loras was not too stricken to laugh along with him. "But I'm not like him, or like most men it would seem. And since finding that Rickard is the same, we came to an arrangement."_

_An arrangement... that made sense, Loras thought. It could not be easy to find other men of the same preference as Renly. Loras supposed that he should be pleased for him if this arrangement made his life easier. Still, there was something about it that bothered Loras and yet he couldn't put his finger on what it was._

_All the same, he nodded and smiled at his friend. "All right Renly."_

_Loras suggested a game of cyvasse after that and things continued as they always had. Renly was relieved at how well Loras had taken the revelation. He'd evidently been shocked but had taken it in his stride, a dutiful squire bound to keep his lord's secret. Briefly, Renly wondered if Loras would have been just as accepting of his preferences if Renly had not been his lord, but he brushed the worry aside. The gold rose brooch that Renly now wore beneath his shirt collar told him everything he needed to know. He glanced across the cyvasse board to see the antler of the silver stag peeking out from beneath Loras' cloak as well. It was proof enough. No matter how Loras felt about this aspect of Renly's life, he was Renly's friend, and Loras would surely stand loyal by his side regardless of who Renly took to bed._

* * *

 

 

_Rickard came to visit Renly most nights, and Loras always made himself scarce when this happened. It was clear that Renly had no desire for him to know anything of what went on behind those closed doors._

_For the most part, Loras spent no less time with Renly than he had done before and Renly seemed as happy as ever with his company, and yet Loras didn't like to think that Rickard made Renly  happy in a way that Loras did not. Loras had always thought that he and Renly were already as close as two men could be, and yet now he realised that he'd quite clearly been mistaken. There was always a certain bounce in Renly's steps after Rickard_ _visited him and Loras resented him for it. The boy wasn't_ that _handsome and Loras began to find himself wondering if he too would be able to put that same joy into Renly's gait._

_Loras' resentment grew with each time he witnessed Rickard sidle into Renly's chambers. Despite his comparatively drag garb, the boy wore the most smug of smiles upon his face as he entered and Loras wanted to punch him for it. Loras didn't exactly know what two men could do together in bed, but he spent an increasing amount of time thinking about it._

_He found his answer one day in Renly's private library._

_The book was written in a language that Loras didn't understand but the illustrations made it very clear as to what its subject was. Surely most of the acts portrayed in the pictures were impossible, Loras thought as he twisted the book first one way and then another to see if the angle made any difference. Still, Loras found himself turning page after page without being able to tear his eyes away, and when he finally forced himself to return the book to its shelf he was left feeling hot all over and a bit sick._

_It did not deter Loras in the least though and his increasingly desperate attempts to get Renly's full attention did not go unnoticed. Renly had to smile when Loras seemed to deliberately take his time in leaving Renly's chambers each evening as if he could stall Rickard's arrival. He reminded Renly of what he imagined a child might be like, a sole child who had always been the apple of his parents' eye until a sibling was born and he was promptly forced to realise that he was supposed to share their affection._

_All the same, months passed as they always did, until one rainy evening in Renly's bedchambers that started like many others, with Loras in a nightshirt sitting on an antlered armchair while Renly sat at the edge of the bed, still in his smallclothes._

_"Rickard is to be to knighted on the morrow," Renly lamented after they had been talking for some time. He sighed as he fell back against the pillows. "I suppose it's time for me to find someone new."_

_"Just like that?" Loras asked, shocked._

_Renly laughed. "You say that like I was in love with him. No, it was just a bit of fun. Someone new will take his place, I hope." Renly rubbed his chin in thought. "That new stableboy is particularly comely, but sadly I may have imagined the way his hands lingered on me when he helped me with my horse last week..."_

_Loras' brow furrowed. "Can't you just ask him?"_

_"No, it's not quite as easy as that," Renly explained. "I dare say that I'm popular enough with my household that they would not begrudge me for it, but an unwanted advance to the wrong person could land me in quite a bit of trouble." It was a bleak prospect and one that Renly wasn't keen to face, but at the same time he was glad to at least have Loras to lament to about it._

_"You could find another squire?" Loras suggested. "There are plenty at Storm's End."_

_"That would be convenient," Renly said, his thoughts already wandering through the current squires serving his knights at Storm's End and their likely preferences. The options seemed few, if any. and Renly was ready to dismiss the idea entirely, but there was one squire he had apparently overlooked._

_"You could have me," Loras said quietly._

_Renly didn't quite hear. "Sorry?" he said._

_"You could have me," Loras repeated, louder this time._

_"Is that what you meant by another squire, then?" Renly asked, laughing at the joke. His laughter died in his throat at the seriousness in Loras' face as he nodded._

_For several moments Renly was so floored by the absurdity of it that he could not even think of a reply. "I could absolutely not have you."_

_"Why not?"_

_"I could not ask that of you Loras."_

_"You don't have to ask," Loras said. He got to his feet and came closer so he stood before Renly. "I'm offering. It would be practical, you said it yourself. And you're my lord Renly. Your needs are my concern."_

_"Be serious," Renly stammered._

_"I_ am _." Loras stepped even closer still so that Renly's knee brushed against his leg. Even the slight touch made Renly feel uncomfortably warm. Loras was beautiful and growing more handsome by the day, a fool could see it, but touching him was so forbidden that it had never even crossed Renly's mind. Loras was his_ squire. _What kind of man would Renly be to take advantage of him like that? Still, images were flitting through his mind and despite how wrong those images were, Renly was growing hard._

_"You have needs," Loras said, "You said you need this, don't you?"_

_Speechless, Renly nodded. He needed - and he wanted, desperately._

_As Loras had hoped, Renly's eyes were already wandering down over his body. Loras' hands trembled with fear and uncertainty despite the boldness in voice, but he pulled his nightshirt up over his head and tossed it aside, leaving him completely bare before Renly._

_"So take me," he said._


	6. Chapter 6

Loras could feel the warm glow of the morning sun on his face. The silk of the bedclothes was soft on his bare skin and it held a scent that made a fond, familiar feeling simmer beneath his skin. The pleasant ache in his muscles had the same effect and Loras smiled to himself. He knew that if he just rolled over and reached into warmth behind him, he'd find...

The more Loras tried to recall quite what it was he would find, the quicker the memory faded, slipping away through his fingers like sand until the hazy warmth had disappeared entirely and Loras blearily opened his eyes.

The first thing he noticed was that he was not in his own chambers. The second was the sharp pain behind his eyes. His stomach too felt sour from too much wine, and groaning, Loras dragged a blanket up over his head to block out the too-bright morning sun.

It was pulled down just as quickly and a hand closed over his shoulder.

"You're up," that familiar voice said, "Good. You need to leave."

The churning in his stomach intensified as Loras glanced up to meet Renly's eyes, looking none too pleased. He'd evidently started to dress but his hair was still wild and dishevelled and his unlaced shirt revealed a dark purple bruise on his neck.

" _Fuck,_ " Loras whispered.

"Get up and dress yourself," Renly told him, frowning as he turned to continue readying himself for the day.

Horror gripped Loras as he sat up and surveyed the room. It was Renly's bedchambers, his taste evident in every corner, from the silk bedcurtains embroidered with tiny stags to the three enormous wardrobes against the far wall. Loras' clothing from last night littered the carpets. Memories of the night before were creeping back to Loras and he found himself wishing he could just sink into the mattress and disappear.

Renly's back was to Loras as he combed his hair in the mirror. The high collar of his doublet hid the bruise on his neck and it took only a few more moments for Renly to style himself in the polished, handsome state that hid all traces of what had happened the night before. In the mirror, his eyes met Loras' for a moment. They both glanced quickly away, and Renly strode from the bedchamber into the adjoining solar.

Loras could not recall ever feeling as small as he did as he gathered his clothing from the floor, the ache that had been pleasant when he'd first woke now uncomfortable. Renly was clearly in a hurry to leave and if Loras wanted, he could take his time and make Renly wait just to annoy him. Last night at the party he'd been eager to do just that, but he was suddenly desperate to get out the room and away from all traces of Renly. He dressed as quickly as he could and hurried to leave Renly's chambers.

Renly stopped him just outside the door and fixed him with a grave look. "We shouldn't have done this," he said flatly.

Loras said nothing in response, keeping his face as expressionless as possible.

"It was a mistake, and I'm sorry for it," Renly continued. "It was stupid and it won't happen again."

The firmness in his voice that left no room for compromise made Loras grit his teeth. It _had_ been a mistake, but Renly had no right to speak to him like that, like he was still a child, still the eager squire who would do anything Renly asked. His lip curled up in a sneer that Renly seemed to take for ascent.

"Good-bye," Renly said with a nod.

"Good-bye," Loras managed to reply. He turned sharply to leave, and yet after several steps down the corridor Renly was still at his side. They both stopped at the same time, and after a few more steps together, stopped again.

"I'm going to the council chambers," Renly explained.

Loras raised his chin, undeterred. His own path would lead him down the hall, down the steps, and out into the courtyard before he and Renly would part ways. With the uncomfortable strain already between them, Loras knew Renly would make an excuse, would say he'd forgotten something in his rooms and double back rather than bear the walk side by side in silence. Let him slink back in shame, Loras thought. It was strangely satisfying to know much Renly regretted taking him to bed. Renly had been so desperate for a kind word or a smile from Loras ever since Loras had come to King's Landing, and all along Loras had known if he gave him an inch, Renly would take a mile. He'd been right. He'd barely had to push before Renly had abandoned his protests and dragged him to bed.

It took two to tango though, Loras thought glumly, and he had been the one leading that particular dance. He'd come to King's Landing determined that he'd never give Renly the time of day, that he'd let Renly know just how little Loras cared to be in his presence, and yet last night Loras had thrown himself at Renly. A flush crept up his neck and he nearly shrunk upon himself at the thought.

"This way will be quicker to my chambers," he said, and turned to take the opposite way down the corridor.

It took twice as long for Loras to get back to his own chambers taking the long way round. Most days he'd go to the practice yard to train at this time, but instead he crawled into bed without bothering to undress.

He should not have touched the wine last night, and not just because of the headache and the lingering tossing and turning of his stomach. A few cups and Loras had not been able to stop his wandering thoughts, nor his wandering hands. He laughed to himself at how pathetic it was. That showed just how well he'd done these past two years telling himself that he didn't want Renly anymore, didn't it? He'd been just as desperate for Renly's attention yesterday as he'd been back when he was a squire.

That was not the worst part of it though, Loras thought miserably as he dragged the bedclothes up over his aching head. It seemed like an age since he'd last felt the hot press of skin against his own, or the thrill of bringing another person to climax and last night would not be easy to forget. As much as he tried not to, it was impossible not to dwell on how glorious those fleeting moments before waking had been, Renly's scent filling his senses as he'd lost himself in warm, comfortable half-memories.


	7. Chapter 7

_Loras stood bare before him and Renly could not refuse him. No matter how much he tried to avert his eyes, he couldn't help but let them roam up and down his young lithe body, drinking in every angle of him, every inch of the creamy bare skin that Loras was inviting him to touch as he pleased._

_He was a young man in all his splendour and Renly reached out to place a hand on his chest. His skin was smooth and supple against his palm and it was then that Renly knew he could not resist. Taking a deep breath, he nodded. "All right,” he breathed._

_That small nod felt like a victory to Loras and he tilted his face up towards Renly's. Standing stock still, he watched as Renly continued to drink in the sight of him. Loras had never stood so bare in front of another before, not in his living memory, and yet he felt no shame. There was admiration in Renly's gaze, wonder almost, and Loras relished every moment that his lord stared._

_Renly tried to steady himself as he led Loras to the bed. The whole idea was absurd, a violation of the protection he owed to Loras as his lord, but here Loras was in front of him, offering himself freely despite the fact that he couldn't have truly known what it was he was offering._

_"You shall tell me if it hurts." Renly told him earnestly. "And you shall change your mind if you care to." He took his hands off Loras' wrist as he waited, torn between his desires and his reason, for Loras to make a decision._

_Slowly, Loras nodded. He did not withdraw his offer. He didn't know if he truly wanted this, but he knew without a doubt that he could not bear to see yet another squire slip into Renly's chambers and please him in a way Loras refused to._

_"So?" Loras breathed as he lowered himself down onto the bed. "Here?"_

_"Here." Renly confirmed, more confidently than he felt._

_Gently, Renly took Loras by the shoulders and rolled him over so he was lying on his side facing away from him. "There," he breathed. "This shall be easiest." This was a lie. It was far from the easiest way to take his pleasure but Loras, he knew, kept the gods faithfully and Renly did not want him to have to watch his own sin. This was the most degrading thing he'd ever had his squire do and it didn't need to be made worse. Every bit of sense that Renly had was screaming at him to stop and yet his hands went to his clothing to begin to remove it._

_Loras waited as Renly undressed, the sound of hands on soft fabric and ties oddly soothing. Renly seemed to take forever and Loras wondered whether he should turn around to help his lord undress as he so often had done before. He wondered a little bitterly if that's what Rickard had done._

_Renly managed his clothes by himself, though, and for a good few moments he just lay there behind Loras, savouring the sensation of his bare skin against Loras'. Even this was more than he'd ever imagined him having with Loras. Never, not even once, had he allowed himself to consider Loras as a partner in such acts and now that he had done so, it was if a dam had been opened. He wanted to touch every inch of him, explore him with both hands and tongue and watch as Loras learnt what real pleasure felt like._

_He forced himself to get a hold of himself though. It was not as if Loras was a willing partner as the others before him had been. He was doing this as a favour, because he felt it his duty and Renly thought he would do well to remember that. Loras probably had no desire to discover what pleasures a man could give him._

_Growing impatient, Loras twisted his head round. "Are you going to do anything or not?" he asked. This was just like Renly, he thought. He was a lord, the most powerful man in the Stormlands even, and yet he made decisions with no real force. His whims changed as quickly as the weather here did._

_Despite Loras' words, Renly took his time. He knew that Loras had never so much as kissed a woman. He was untouched, a blank canvas that Renly knew he shouldn't be drawing on. His skin was unblemished and smooth with youth and Renly was about to strip him of that youthful innocence. It was not a decision to be taken lightly._

_As Renly knew it would though, his desire won out once more, as it always would do, and he pushed himself slightly closer to Loras, shutting his eyes as his cock rubbed against Loras' back._

_Renly reached for something from the bedside drawer then and when Loras heard the stopper being removed from a bottle, an unusual fragrance filled the air. It was similar to the perfume Renly wore, but not - more exotic somehow with heady notes Loras could not place._

_"Relax," Renly instructed him and Loras did his best to obey as he felt Renly push a slick finger inside of him. It felt strange, like it didn't belong there, and his first instinct was to squirm away. It took all his discipline to stay still under Renly’s hands._

_Renly wasn't sure whether to take his time with Loras, to ready him well. It would hurt less that way but it would also draw out his humiliation. He tried to find a compromise and do his best quickly with him. He doubted that this would ever bring any pleasure to Loras anyway._

_He used perhaps more of the oil than necessary to ready himself before shifting back behind Loras to press their bodies together. He almost wanted to sooth the boy lying before him, to run a comforting hand up Loras' side, but he was sure that type of touch would only make this harder for Loras. Worse, with the oil easing the slide of skin and the anticipation of what was to come, Renly did not think he could delay for that long. The first slow press of his cock inside Loras was so tight that it impossible for Renly to bite back a moan of pleasure._

_It stung and was more than a little uncomfortable, Loras found. Renly was making tiny little noises in the back of his throat though, and Loras could feel Renly's heart thumping in his chest behind him. This was pleasing Renly, that much was obvious, and Loras would have borne much worse pain for that knowledge._

_As much as it burned slightly with every time Renly pushed into him, Loras' curiosity was stronger than the pain. He tried to turn his head to peer behind him. He wanted to see what was making Renly pant as if he were some animal and not the eloquent lord Loras was used to him being. He wanted to see if the two of them pressed together like this resembled the illicit illustrations he'd pored over._

_It was not to be so, though._

_"You shan't look," Renly said, and with that he guided his head back round with a gentleness that Loras thought seemed at odds with the way Renly was rutting against him._

_To distract him from trying to look again, Renly tightened his grip on Loras, moving his hands down to Loras' hips and showing him how he ought to move them to his rhythm. Loras caught on quickly and obediently, he rocked in time with him. He was dutiful even in this and it made shame pool in Renly's stomach alongside the lust. He'd bedded several squires before, but never his own. And Loras truly was his own, Renly thought. He was his first squire and the squire that Highgarden had handed him to guide through to knighthood._

_It was wrong, all of this, but Renly could not deny the pleasure it brought. His climax was approaching startlingly quickly and he tightened his grip on Loras' hips, urging him on._

_Renly was slightly rougher with him now and Loras found it growing more uncomfortable with each passing moment. He just shut his eyes tightly though, and tried once more to focus on the soft low noises Renly was making. They were satisfying to Loras' ears. They proved that Renly would now have no reason now to seek anyone else's company out._

_Finally, he would fully belong to Loras again._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the very unacceptable delay! Chapters should go back to being posted at least weekly from now on :)

It was late and Renly had been abed for a good few hours when he heard a voice calling his name. Even half asleep he knew that it was Loras', and groaning, he just rolled over to make room for him. It was only when nobody joined him that it even occurred to Renly that he wasn't at Storm's End, nor was Loras his squire, and that Loras had no business at all being in his chambers.

He sat up. The room was dark and yet he could make out a figure stood at the end of his bed. It had been a good few weeks since Loras had even deigned to speak to him and Renly had not a clue what he was doing there.

He lit a candle cautiously. "Loras?" he whispered.

Indeed, Loras swum into view as the candlelight filled the room. Renly had to try not to sigh at how beautiful he was. He supposed that that was why he and Loras were doomed to fail at getting along. As much as he wanted to want only Loras' friendship, Loras' beauty was just too much for him not to be tempted. It always would be.

"I just wanted to talk." Loras breathed, hovering still at the foot of Renly's bed. His voice was different this time from the rest of the exchanges that they'd had in King's Landing. It was soft, less cold. It was the voice that Renly had always known Loras to use, a voice that had seemed somehow to be reserved for Renly alone, and it appeared that finally Loras had let his guard down.

Renly just sighed and put his head in his hands. Part of him was glad that Loras claimed to just wish to talk- for fleetingly it had crossed his mind that Loras might be seeking to repeat that evening after the feast, but on the other hand, it was late and he had a small council meeting in the morning. He didn't know either what he and Loras could possibly have to talk about. He'd thought that they'd made it rather clear the last time they saw each other how things were to remain to between them, and Renly was not keen to return to the subject.

All the same, even after all these years and all the harsh words exchanged, he couldn't deny Loras this one last thing.

"All right," he agreed reluctantly. "We shall talk."

He made to rise from his bed and yet Loras had sat down on the end of the bed before Renly had even swung his legs off the edge. He didn't dare come too close though, and the empty space between them felt somehow like a chasm.

"What is it you wish to talk about then?" Renly asked wearily. "I've already apologised for that night after the feast."

Loras just stared at his hands for a while, absently twisting at the bedclothes. The anxious look did not suit him, Renly thought. He could see now that Loras' clothing was rumpled and he'd missed a clasp on his doublet. His curls were flattened on one side of his head as if he'd already been abed for a while, then picked up his clothing from the floor and dressed quickly in the dark. It was difficult to imagine Loras troubled and restless, but the strained look on his face was clear even in the candlelight.

"I'm tired of being angry Renly, and I guess, I miss you," Loras murmured. He didn't look up from his hands as he said it, and Renly knew how hard Loras would have found it to admit such a thing. He looked entirely miserable and Renly hated to see him like that. His expression tugged on Renly's heartstrings and Renly tried desperately to pretend to himself that this had nothing to do with the fact that, in a world where guilt didn't exist, Loras' face would be the first thing he wanted to see each morning and the last thing each evening. He wasn't very successful at convincing himself, and yet Renly supposed too that at least some of his distress at seeing Loras miserable was innocent in nature. After all, despite all that had passed between them, Loras would always remain that child Renly had welcomed into his halls at Storm's End, a child that he'd promised Mace Tyrell he would see safely through to manhood. That child was fully grown now, and Renly had to think dismally that he'd done a poor job raising him to manhood. He ought to have been pushing his squire in the direction of the serving girls and turning a blind eye when he saw a particularly pretty one sneaking out of Loras' chambers in the morning, and yet instead he'd had that squire bend over for him, before Loras had even had a chance to look curiously over at a girl and decide he might like to fuck instead of be fucked.

Renly could have spent an entire evening mulling over where he went wrong with Loras, and yet, raising his head, he was sharply reminded that Loras was sat before him, waiting unusually patiently for Renly to say something.

"I miss you too Loras," he admitted slowly. It was true, truer than he could say, but Renly feared no good would come of the admission. He'd grown up in court after all and it was one of the first lessons he'd learnt- that concealing the truth was almost always the wiser option.

And it seemed he'd been right to be wary. A light came into Loras' eyes, and suddenly they were gold and not brown. "Then can we, you know, be friends like we used to?" he breathed.

All the innocence of youth had returned to Loras' face with that question and Renly found that he had to look away, reminded too much of the boy Renly had once promised the world to.

"Oh Loras, I wish we could." he sighed. "But it shall never work. I proved that to you the last time I saw you."

Loras frowned, his lip sticking out the way it did when his scowl was closer to a pout. "And how's that?" he asked.

"We both know that I just can't control myself," Renly admitted. As much as he wished that they could return to the friendship that once existed between them, he knew all too well that it would be impossible without Renly desiring more than that. "You're too much of a temptation. It's just better if you don't see me anymore. I shall keep out of your way and you shall be better off for it."

Loras frowned. "Might you not think that I don't have to be a temptation? That perhaps I could give you wha-"

"No." Renly cut him off. "We've been through this and no. It's humiliating, it's degrading and I shan't see you brought that low again. You shall not ask."

"But-"

"No."

Loras scowled. "But you made me a promise Renly." He moved up the bed so he was sitting at Renly's side. The warm presence of him was comfortingly familiar and Renly had to struggle not to lean in against his shoulder. "Do you not remember?"

Renly sighed. "Of course I remember."

"A promise is a promise." Loras insisted.

Renly just shook his head sadly. "I've made so many promises to you Loras. And I've broken just as many. Words are wind, Loras. Did nobody ever tell you that?"

"But this promise was different," Loras insisted again.

"I know it was."

"And does it not mean anything to you anymore?"

"It does, Loras. But we were so young then, things were different. We were different." Renly could remember that day in the storm when they'd exchanged brooches beneath the tree well. it seemed like a lifetime ago now, and though the boy at his side now was the same one who had been there back then, what existed between them had changed beyond recognition, twisted and distorted by his own hand. Renly sighed, thinking of everything that had gone wrong. It had been his fault entirely, he was sure of it, that he'd put these ideas into Loras' head. "I used to look at you and see you as nothing but the dear friend you were, the close companion that I naively thought I would have forever."

"What do you see now then?" Loras asked miserably.

Was there any way for Renly to put it into words? That he saw in Loras something that he never even dreamt of with anyone else, or that he saw the reason why Renly should have never risked their friendship. He saw someone who he wanted to look back at him like lover would, and the mere servitude Loras offered with his body made that too difficult to bear.

"Someone I want to take to bed, Loras," Renly said.

Loras looked ready to make the same offer he'd made so many times before and Renly couldn't stand to hear it once more. "Wait here," he said, cutting Loras off as he rose from the bed.

The room had cooled from the night air and Renly had to shiver at the touch of cool stone against his feet. He rummaged through his wardrobes until he found the small wooden box he was looking for.

A golden rose brooch was the only thing inside. Renly could remember it sitting on his writing table while he tried to put his apologies into words, writing his requests that Loras might come back to him. Then, he'd hoped things could return to the way they'd once been. Now he knew that he'd never be able to offer the simple friendship that Loras asked for. Renly wanted too much and Loras was too pliant when it came to Renly's desires. It was not right to have someone so eager to satisfy, so willing to degrade himself for Renly's pleasure. That should have clued Renly in long ago. Loras was proud beyond a doubt and yet when it came to Renly, he'd abandon that pride just for a bit of attention. Renly would not allow it to happen again.

"Here," he said, returning to the bed and pressing the rose pin into Loras' hand. He sat down beside Loras and found himself wishing he could place a comforting hand on Loras' leg. "This was yours."

Loras just scowled at it as if it were something rotten Renly had handed him.

"Perhaps you should give me mine back too." Renly suggested. "You know, to put that foolish promise behind us. I'll send my squire to retrieve it from you tomorrow…"

"I don't have yours." Loras snapped bitterly.

"You left it in Highgarden?"

"No." Loras retorted. "I threw it into the sea. The day I left Storm's End." Angry, he'd gotten to his feet and he glared down at Renly with a look of pure venom.

"You didn't?" Renly just looked at him in disbelief. "But why?"

"Because I hated you." Loras spat. "And I don't regret it either. If I had it now I'd hurl it into the Blackwater." He turned sharply and strode towards the door, anger clear in every stomp of his feet.

"Wait, Loras-" Renly called, "Let us not part like this?"

Loras just slammed the door behind him.


	9. Chapter 9

_As he'd always done, Loras turned his back as Renly rose from the bathwater. Renly's nightclothes were laid out over his trunk beside Loras but Renly did not approach to prepare for sleep._

_"Could you please undress?" Renly asked._

_A secret smile crossed Loras' face at the request. Since that first night, Loras had made his offer to Renly several more times and Renly had always accepted, but this was the first time he had_ asked _for it. It pleased Loras more than he could say. Loras nodded and began unfastening the clasps of his tunic._

_It was wrong to be asking this of Loras, Renly knew, but he was not sure where else to turn. He'd been dropping subtle hints to the handsome stableboy he had suspected might be interested all week, but either the boy did not share Renly's preferences or he was simply too dim to notice. Cleverness was not a factor Renly usually sought out in the men he bedded, though the boy's lack of it certainly diminished his appeal, unlike the clever boy who was currently naked and lowering himself down onto Renly's bed._

_"Are you sure?" Renly asked him._

_Loras rolled his eyes, though it was probably for the best that Renly couldn't see it. "Yes," he said. Renly asked him this every time and Loras always gave the same answer. He meant it too. It had not gotten any less uncomfortable since the first time but it was a pain Loras was willing to bear. Renly's request just now was proof enough that he was starting to realise that he didn't need to seek out someone new to spend his time with. "Go on," Loras insisted and turned his face back to the blankets as Renly told him to do each time._

_This part was the most different than it had been with any of the men Renly bedded before, and perhaps the most difficult. There were no soft caresses or heated touches to ease him into arousal; Loras always lay completely still as he waited, whilst Renly was left to methodically take himself in hand and work himself to arousal. Nonetheless, he hadn't yet had any trouble being aroused by the sight before him, not in the slightest._

_He realised now that part of him had always put up a wall when it came to how Loras was, where Renly could recognize the beauty before him but feel nothing beyond that. He now wondered how he could have resisted. Loras' smooth, naked skin glowed in the firelight, small scars from sword practice catching the light here and there. His curls fanned out over the bed like silk and the curve of his arse was so deliciously tempting that Renly just wanted to bite it._

_This was no place for that type of play though, not with Loras. His squire may have been here by his own choice but it was more of a favour to Renly than any real desire on his part. That in mind, Renly retrieved the vial of oil from the bedside drawer and poured some of it over his fingers to ready Loras as quickly as he was able. It was not easy, however, to ignore the thrill of how tight Loras was around his fingers, nor to resist the temptation to linger in the enjoyment of it._

_Loras was always completely silent throughout, not a whimper of pain or a groan of discomfort, though he experienced both of those things. It got worse when Renly fully entered him and then Loras was glad to have his face hidden from Renly. He had to bite his lip to keep from crying out and he knew that the grimace on his face would have made Renly stop immediately. Forcing himself to relax made it a little easier, yet no matter what those illustrations in Renly's book seemed to portray, Loras doubted that it could ever be enjoyable for someone in his role._

_Renly_ did _enjoy it. That much was obvious. His hesitance at the beginning always dissolved entirely once he started moving inside Loras. His grip would tighten on Loras' shoulders and his breathing would pick up into harsh pants. This was the part that made it all worth it, Loras thought. The noises Renly made sounded odd to Loras but the way they intensified as Renly's movements quickened was strangely satisfying, as was the knowledge that if Renly could take this much pleasure from Loras' body, there was then no reason at all for Renly to spend his evening with someone else. Loras pressed his face into the blankets as he worked to roll his hips along with Renly's thrusts, pressing back to take Renly's cock even deeper. He just had to smile to himself then when Renly groaned as if it were the best thing he'd ever felt._

* * *

_Renly hated himself each time he asked Loras to undress, though eventually he learnt to stop asking if Loras was sure he wanted to continue, after Loras threatened to hit him if he asked once more. It seemed a little paradoxical to Renly. Only Loras would take such liberties as a squire and make such threats to his lord, but he ever remained as faithful in his duties as any squire could be._

_And perhaps he was even too faithful in his duties, Renly had to wonder. Often he suspected that Loras saw giving himself to Renly as just another aspect of being his squire. He did not do it for his own pleasure, that much was clear. He seemed acutely aware of Renly's though, and quickly, he'd learnt what pleased him. Indeed, when Loras moved along with Renly, it was with the same natural skill that he took to everything with. Even without intention, there was an undeniable sensuality in his movements, muscles straining in his arms and back as gripped the bedclothes. That it was in pain rather than pleasure made it no less appealing, much to Renly's shame._

_What had started as a way to relieve his need had become something that was easier and easier for Renly to let himself enjoy. It was still very different than if he had taken someone willing to bed but the simplicity of asking Loras to undress had grown comfortable, and Loras was so very beautiful. By day, their friendship remained the same as ever and many evenings still passed in easy companionship, but if Renly asked Loras to undress, Loras never refused._

_Guilt still gripped Renly each time he'd finished, though. That warm, boneless feeling would drift away and Renly was left watching Loras awkwardly slide from the bed and re-lace his breeches. He supposed it was for the best that Loras' cock was never hard, that he took no pleasure from what the gods forbade, and that Renly could not convince himself into believing that his enjoyment of this was mutual. Each time after Renly took him, Loras would give only a curt nod before leaving Renly's chambers._

_Slinking back to his quarters was never what Loras had intended but he didn't know what else to do afterwards. The first few times, he had redressed and tried to settle down for a quiet evening together as they often had, but Renly looked so much like a sulking dog that Loras couldn't stand it. He hated to see his lord look so pathetic, especially when he had nothing to be ashamed of. Loras offered this freely and though Renly didn't know it, Loras took just as much satisfaction from knowing that Renly was solely reliant on him for this as Renly did from the pleasure of it._

_Some evenings, though, as Loras sat in the bath and washed away the remaining traces of oil from his thighs, he wondered what the gods might think of him for doing this. It was uncomfortable to think about though and he never dwelt on it for very long. Keeping Renly to himself was too good to consider giving up, no matter what judgements the gods cast._

_It didn't hurt even anymore, not really, and though Renly still only took him from behind, he soon forgot his insistence that Loras should keep his face rigidly turned away. Perhaps he wasn't even aware that he did it, but sometimes he'd smooth a warm hand up Loras' back, or wrap his arm across Loras' chest so that he was pressed close enough that he was panting into Loras' hair. Those gestures felt nice, affectionate perhaps, and Loras found often that he'd lie there underneath Renly, not in anticipation of how Renly would next thrust up into him, but in hopeful anticipation that Renly would lose his composure enough to forget his insistence that he ought not to touch Loras so._

_All in all, it wasn't unpleasant, not in the least. Renly still sulked terribly afterwards but there were several moments after he'd finished when he'd sag down onto the bed half on top of Loras, sticky and heavy, but so evidently satisfied that Loras could almost feel it rolling off his body in waves. His fingers would absently stroke over Loras' arm and Loras couldn't say he minded it at all._

_He thought about that one evening as he returned to his chambers. A chambermaid had already drawn up a bath for him but for once Loras did not feel like undressing and quickly sinking into it. Instead he laid back on the bed and watched the firelight flickering on the canopy above him._

_Tentatively, he unlaced his breeches and took himself in hand. Renly had never touched him here, though sometimes it seemed like he was about to. His hands would always slide back to holding Loras' hips but even the suggestion of it had awoken a curiosity in Loras. He tried to focus on just the feeling of his hand as he stroked himself but he could not help but wonder if that was what Renly would do with a lover._

_Once he'd finished and his release was cooling on his stomach, he felt even less like getting up and washing himself. A pleasant warmth had spread through his muscles and made sleep a tempting prospect. He saw the same feeling on Renly's face after he'd spent inside Loras, when Loras was still at his side and Renly's fingers were mindlessly caressing Loras' skin. As sweaty and sticky as he was, Loras could imagine now that it would feel nice to have someone pressed against his side and to drift off to sleep together._

_The next night Renly took him again, hands dropping from gripping Loras' shoulders to his hips as Renly thrust deeper into him. Loras let out a choked sound and Renly immediately stilled._

_"Are you alright?" he asked. Loras never made a sound no matter how rigorously Renly took him so the gasp had startled him._

_"_ Renly, _" Loras warned._

_"I know I said I'd stop asking but-"_

_"So stop asking."_

_Renly had to grin at that. Loras could be so insolent even when he was bent over with Renly's cock inside him. He was impatient too, and he arched his back and rolled his hips against Renly, prompting him to continue._

_It did not take much longer for Renly to spill inside him and he dropped down onto the bed beside Loras once he was done, basking in the comfortable exhaustion as he caught his breath. It took several moments for him to realise that Loras had not gotten up to leave. He had rolled onto his side so his back was pressed to Renly's arm, but he'd not made any move at all to get up._

_"Loras?" Renly ventured._

_"Hmm?" was the only reply Loras gave, sounding very much like he was on the verge of falling asleep._

_Renly sat up to look at him. Loras had even tugged the blankets up to his chest and looked entirely settled in to sleep. Renly would have thought it reminiscent of the innocent evenings they'd spent together when they were young, had Loras not been naked. "Aren't you leaving?" Renly prompted._

_The yawn Loras let out might have been convincing if Renly did not know him so well. "I'll just stay here," he said, stretching ever so slightly under the blankets._

_"You - you should leave."_

_"Why? What does it matter?" Loras shifted onto his back so he could look at Renly. "I'll have to come wake you in the morning anyway."_

_"Get dressed and leave," Renly said to him. It was a harsher command than Renly usually gave, but Loras staying made this too comfortable of an arrangement than Renly was willing to accept._

_Loras barely resisted the urge to glare at him. Renly could be so very stupid sometimes. He must have known by now that Loras could sate his needs as well as any of the other men he took to bed, and he couldn't understand why he wouldn't want this as well. Rickard had never stayed until morning but Loras was certain he stayed beyond when Renly was finished with him, probably tangled up with Renly in a hazy warmth. That was right in Renly's grasp now too, and yet still he sent Loras away. And after tonight and everything he had thought about last night, Loras actually wanted to stay._

_No matter how much of a huff Loras gave as he rolled from the bed to retrieve his neatly folded clothing, Renly would not relent and allow him back into the bed. He thought perhaps that Loras didn't see the difference between this and when he had innocently laid down next to Renly when they were younger, too tired to return to his own chambers after they had stayed up late into the night talking. This was very different however. That Loras submitted himself to any of this and yet took no enjoyment from it weighed on Renly heavily enough, but the two of them finding sleep together, sticky and comfortable in the warmth remaining from the heated press of their bodies, was a bridge too far. Renly could not imagine how pathetic he'd need to be to allow himself to enjoy that as well. Besides, Loras had no right to go question Renly's orders in this. All said and done, the boy was still his squire._

_"It's for the best," Renly told him, more gently this time._

_Loras gave no reply. He did not even look at Renly as he moved stiffly from the bed. Loras never took kindly to being told he couldn't do something. Renly knew he had no reason to feel guilty for it, yet he did all the same. Sighing, he reconsidered. He supposed it wouldn't hurt for Loras to stay just this once._

_He glanced up at Loras but the words died in his throat before he could speak. Oil still glistened on Loras' skin as he dragged his breeches up, but much more unsettling was the fact that he was_ hard _._

_Renly bolted upright so quickly that he nearly tumbled out of the bed. Loras didn't notice him, scowling as he fastened the clasps of his doublet, but the bulge in his breeches was still there. He wasn't fully hard but he was definitely aroused. He left without his usual curt nod good-bye and Renly supposed he ought to be relieved that Loras didn't see the look of horror on Renly's face._

_As soon as he was gone, Renly all but stumbled over to the window to open it, desperately in need of the night air to cool the shame gripping him. He dragged his hands over his face, pushing back his damp hair. The breeze was not enough. He felt like he was about to be sick._

_It was a natural response, Renly tried to tell himself. Renly did his best to give Loras as little pleasure as possible, to not remind him of what he was doing, but Loras' body was bound to respond to some of the touch, even if he did not willingly take pleasure from it._

_Loras had never been even the slightest bit hard before, though, Renly thought anxiously._

_Surely the fact that Renly was not struck down by the gods right then was proof enough that they did not exist. Closing his eyes, Renly reflected with horror on what he had done. He'd taken advantage of Loras, used him, defiled him, until he'd made Loras_ enjoy _his own humiliation._

_It had gone on long enough, Renly decided. Before, it had been too good to think about refusing what Loras offered him and Renly had willingly ignored how wrong it was. Now, he supposed he'd unwittingly done worse than just having taken advantage of his authority over Loras. Not only had he taken his innocence, but he had twisted him until Loras had actually taken pleasure from the corruption._

_Shaking, Renly glanced back at the rumpled bed. Tonight was the last time. It had to be._


	10. Chapter 10

He'd splintered the training yard's best quintain, snapped at the servants, and shouted at his squire so terribly that the boy had been in tears afterwards. Loras didn't care how horrible he was being. For once it was not enough to hit something with a sword or lance until the mood passed. He wanted to use his fists to hit something - or rather, someone.

It was exhausting keeping up his charming smile and graces when all he cared to do was brood alone in his chambers, but the Knight of Flowers needed to keep up certain appearances. Every minute of tonight's ball had grated on him. Loras excused himself from his partner and swept over to the table at the edge of the hall to pour himself a goblet of wine.

The wine was a strong Dornish swill that made Loras wrinkle his nose. He set the unfinished goblet back down and watched the dancers in the hall. Movement swirled all around so it was a nearby figure standing stock still that caught his eye.

Renly looked uncomfortable to be so near, though he did not look away. Loras sneered at him.

"Oh, _I'm sorry,_ " he said as sweetly as he could, "am I _tempting_ you by standing here?"

Renly said nothing. The glum look did not budge from his face, making him look more like Stannis than Robert for once.

"Are you certain you should be looking at me?" Loras continued. "Shall I duck behind this tapestry so you won't want to take me to bed?"

"Please keep your voice down," was all Renly said.

Loras laughed wryly, unable to keep the look of hatred from his face. Was that really all Renly cared about now? "You're disgusting. Pathetic."

"I know," Renly said quietly.

"You're a coward too." Scowling, Loras turned and strode from the ballroom.

Few guests were lingering outside the doors so there was no one to witness the sour look on Loras' face as he stormed away. He had been unable to resist making many such remarks to Renly in the past week and that Renly rarely had any response to them just made Loras angrier.

It was in Renly's nature to avoid conflict and he'd always had a skill for finding ways to cool tempers and sooth sore spots. He made none of that effort for Loras and instead looked as if he wished Loras would just leave him be. Loras would not give him that comfort. He'd not soon forget that insult he'd dealt Loras, saying that he'd not even _try_ to be Loras' friend. Loras hated him for it, and hated himself for how much it hurt him.

It was a mistake to have gone to see Renly that night, Loras knew now. He'd always known that if he allowed himself to dwell on those memories of Storm's End he'd soon forget his firm refusal to never forgive Renly for what he had done, in favour of returning to how things had been back then. It was now disturbingly apparent how right he'd been about that. One night with Renly and those feelings had returned, weighing on Loras until he could no longer bear it. Clearly Renly did not feel the same. He'd made it clear just how things were to remain between them and just the thought of him renewed Loras' desire to hit something with his fists.

"Wait Loras," a voice called behind him.

And just like that, Loras was turning around as eager as a dog hearing its master. It was almost embarrassing how quickly Loras' heart sped up at the sight of Renly approaching him.

Renly looked anywhere but at Loras as he approached. The stone floors had apparently become fascinating because Renly stared at them even when he stopped before Loras.

"What do you want?" Loras snapped. Loras had to steel his expression against the eager expectation that nearly consumed him.

"I have something for you," Renly said. He drew a folded piece of parchment from his doublet and passed it to Loras.

Loras' name was written in fine, elegant writing that Loras would have been able to recognize in the dark. It was Renly's writing and seeing Loras' own name in it made his heartbeat pick up even more. The wax stag seal was immaculate and Loras had to stop himself from tracing the shape of it.

"What's this?" he sneered.

"An explanation. Please read it."

Loras laughed. "Believe me, Lord Renly, there's nothing I care to read from you." He passed the letter back, though Renly did not take it even when it was pressed to his chest. Loras dropped it and the parchment fluttered to the floor.

Several long moments passed as neither of them moved. Loras was just about to turn to leave when Renly stooped to retrieve the parchment from the floor. He held it out to Loras again.

"Please Loras," he said. Their eyes met and Loras' heart jumped to his throat at the pleading look in Renly's eyes.

Loras snatched the from Renly's hand, and resolutely did not look back as he strode off down the corridor.

A fire was lit in the hearth of Loras' chambers when he returned and he dropped the letter on the writing table in the corner. He was slow as he removed his feast clothes, carefully and methodically folding each garment. He pulled on a nightshirt, and washed his face, and pretended that he wasn't just forcing himself to resist eagerly tearing open the letter.

At last Loras let himself return to the writing table. He picked up the letter carefully as if it might crumble in his hands.

Moments before Loras could barely resist opening the letter, and yet now he feared to see its contents. If it were an apology, or a request to rekindle their friendship as Loras desired, Renly would not have seemed so glum as he handed it to Loras. Hesitantly Loras sunk down in a chair beside the fire and stared at the unopened letter in his hands.

When this thing between them started long ago, Loras had been like a greedy child who was desperate to have Renly's attention all to himself, at any cost. He'd seen Renly as no more than his dearest friend at that point, but as he grew, so too did his feelings. Why couldn't Renly believe that Loras wanted this? That he'd wanted it then, even after Renly gave him no choice but to leave. And that Loras would give anything even just to have Renly as his friend again.

Returning the brooch had been the cruelest thing Renly could have done. Even if Renly had never spoken to Loras again, it would have been comforting to know it was safe with Renly. The brooch may not have held the same promise it once did but that didn't mean it had never meant anything. Renly wanted to forget all of that. Now Loras could not even stand the sight of the brooch. He'd had to wrap in one of his winter cloaks and hide it at the back of his wardrobe, next to the other brooch hidden away there that he could not bear to part with. He wondered if this letter too would join them.

Loras' hands shook as he carefully broke the seal of the letter.

_Loras,_

_I'm sorry._

_I know I cannot write those words enough to make you believe them but I mean them truly. You are not wrong to blame me in entirety. If I were a man of stronger virtue it would have never come to this. It would have never started._

_It is not so. I cannot resist temptation and you are far too tempting of a man. In my heart I know it to be wrong but my desires overpower it. And you will not say no, will you?_

_Though it would please me greatly for our friendship to return to what it once was, it cannot be so. I am not the friend you wish for. I hope this letter conveys that better than I was able to at our last parting._

_I'm sorry to have hurt you. It was never my intention, never. Please try to understand that this is for the best. Good-bye._

_-Renly Baratheon._

Loras' hands were still shaking as he stared at the signature at the bottom of the parchment. Renly had told him all the same things when they'd spoken that evening in his chambers but that didn't make the words any easier to read, nor did it stop his eyes from stinging.

It was done. Loras was a fool to keep hoping for otherwise. A numbness came over him he held the letter over the fire to let it burn.

The last pieces of the parchment were just crumbling to ash when Loras got to his feet. He yanked open his wardrobe and pushed everything aside to reach the two balled-up cloaks at the back. They were dragged out in seconds and Loras stormed over to the fire to throw them in as well.

He'd had every intention of dropping them into the flames, yet something would not allow him to let go. Soon he was clutching the cloaks tighter against his chest than ever.

The cloaks themselves did not matter, even if they were the finest soft lambswool. It was what Loras had hidden inside that mattered - two brooches, a stag and a rose, that he was unable to stand the sight of, and yet unable to let go of.

Maybe they had no meaning to Renly anymore but Loras did not feel the same. He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding as he settled down in the chair by the fire. Yet the cloaks shifted in his arms and the stag brooch slipped from the folds, hitting the floor and bouncing over the stones into the fire.

Loras was scrambling after it without a second's hesitation and it was pure desperate instinct that made him stick his hand into the flames. The heat bit his skin but he pulled the brooch from the fire, the hot metal searing his fingertips before he dropped it to the ground.

His hand smarted so bad that he felt as if it was still in the fire. Loras clutched it to himself but he could not regret it as he watched the light bounce off the stag brooch, safely out of the flame's reach. Loras couldn't part with it. In truth it belonged to Renly but even returning it was something Loras couldn't do, not when it had once meant the world to him.


	11. Chapter 11

_"Loras," Renly said tentatively as Loras continued busying himself around Renly's room, tidying Renly's things as he always did in the morning._

_"Yes?" Loras looked up from folding the creased clothes Renly had been wearing yesterday. To his surprise, Renly had a very strange look on his face, one that didn't suit him._

_"Stay once you're done will you."_

_Loras shrugged and nodded, continuing with what he was doing. He assumed that Renly would want him to undress for him. This would be the first time Renly had requested such a thing in the morning, and whilst once Loras would have expected to find it unappealing to have Renly take his pleasure with him when he was fresh and clean from that morning's bath, the idea didn't actually bother him now._

_Renly waited patiently as Loras finished his duties, looking down at the bed sheets instead of over at Loras. Somehow, he imagined it would be easier to give up that which he couldn't see._

_It seemed, though, that Renly should have been looking. When he next glanced up, Loras had already removed his shirt and his hands were diligently pulling the laces out of his breeches. Clearly, he had taken Renly's instructions in a way Renly had not intended._

_"No, Loras." Renly called to him. "Don't." Staring as Loras' bare chest would certainly not help matters._

_Loras frowned at him, and although Renly hadn't explicitly asked him to, he thought it best that he put his clothes back on. "What did you want me to stay for then?" Usually, Renly was busy in the mornings, with his bannermen and important matters that he didn't understand. It was odd that Renly was requesting him to linger._

_Renly didn't quite know how to answer that. He'd barely slept last night for worrying over what he was going to say to Loras, and even those eight sleepless hours hadn't helped him figure out how to put what he felt into words._

_"Come sit, will you." He asked._

_Duly, Loras moved to sit on the bed. Patiently, he waited._

_"I think it's best Loras," Renly forced himself to say, thinking he had to start somewhere "-if I don't take my pleasure with you anymore."_

_"Why?" Loras asked. "Do you not enjoy it?" He wondered now whether he'd misinterpreted those odd sounds that Renly made. He'd thought that they were of pleasure, that it was desire that made those soft low noises escape from the back of Renly's throat. He'd been almost certain of it and yet he supposed it was possible that he'd been mistaken._

_"No, I do." Renly told him, wishing it wasn't true. "I-"_

_"Then why should you want to stop?" Loras interrupted, affronted. "What is it? Was I no good at it?"_

_Renly just frowned at that. "That's neither here nor there Loras," he said firmly. "It's not something you should be good at."_

_Loras shrugged. "If you're going to do something, you may as well do it properly. So was I or wasn't I good?"_

_Renly sighed. "I shan't comment on it Loras," He didn't want to admit that Loras had been very skilled at drawing his pleasure from him, as skilled as he could be lying facing the bedclothes as he always did._

_"Well why not?" Loras protested. He didn't see why not at all. He'd done something nice for Renly here, and now Renly was refusing to give him praise where praise was due. "Am I not desirable to you then? Do you find me homely?" He relished the scowl that this brought to Renly's face._

_"No Loras," Renly said hurriedly. "Not at all. Nobody of sound mind could think that Loras." That, Renly thought, was actually where the problem lay. Loras was far too desirable._

_"Then what is it?" Loras all but whined. In truth, he didn't want Renly to stop. It had been quite pleasurable yesterday. Besides, Loras knew that if Renly no longer bedded him, it would only be a matter of time before he spied some other squire slinking into Renly's chambers, one that wasn't him._

_"It's because it's wrong Loras, and because as your lord, I need to be providing you with a good example to follow." He sighed, wishing it was as easy to do that as it were to say it. "But enough talk Loras. You shall go to the sept now for me and pray."_

_"You don't hold the gods." Loras pointed out bluntly._

_"But you do." Renly replied._

_Loras just sighed. There was no real point arguing with Renly, not when he could simply wait for him to change his mind. "What would you have me pray for then my lord?"_

_"For virtue. To the Maiden."_

_"You wish me to pray to the Maiden?" Loras had never heard anything so silly. It was mothers and sisters who prayed to the Maiden, young girls in petticoats, not squires and knights. The very idea of it was more humiliating than anything Renly had done to him._

_"Yes, Loras." Renly sighed. "I wish you to pray to the Maiden for the virtue I wrongly took from you. And if it please you, you may also pray for me, to the Mother for forgiveness." Wearily, he rubbed a hand over his jaw and was a little irritated to find that he needed to shave. It would have to be another squire he sought out for that task, one that he wasn't tempted to bed, and no doubt Loras would take offence to that too._

_"Fine." Loras agreed disdainfully. And getting up off the bed, he stalked from Renly's rooms. He would go to the sept for Renly, and he would make sure that as many people saw him go as possible. That way, when Renly no doubt checked that his orders had been carried out, he should not get in trouble. There was no way, though, that Loras would be praying to either the Maiden or the Mother, and Loras took great pleasure in knowing that Renly would never be able to know whether he had done or not._

* * *

_Renly felt a little better once he knew that Loras had prayed, a little less guilty and a little less sick to his stomach. All the same, it was easier said than done to force things back to the way they had been. Loras went out of his way to make Renly's life difficult for him, and he was forever brushing up against him whenever they were alone, his fingers lingering tantalisingly against Renly' skin._

_Renly knew that it was his attentions that Loras truly craved, not his cock, and so he did his best to fulfill Loras' desire for that in other ways, more appropriate ways. Never before had he been so often to watch Loras so often in the training yard, and he went out of his way to show him things, to read interesting snippets out of his books to him perhaps, or to recall an amusing story he'd been told that day. He tried to do everything and anything that he thought a lord should do with his squire._

_Renly's attempts did not escape Loras' notice and whilst he did not mind Renly doting on him so, he noticed too how Renly was beginning to look at other men. Thrice that week had he caught Renly sidling innocently into the stables, peering amongst the haystacks for that boy whose appearance obviously pleased him._

_"Enough is enough," Loras told Renly that night as Renly settled the cyvasse board between them as he had done every day this week, as if it were some kind of barrier that prevented him from touching him._

_"Whatever do you mean Loras?" Renly laughed, placing the pieces on the board carefully. It was hardest to resist when it was just the two of them alone in his chambers, but he found that if he focused hard enough on the game, he could just about force himself not to study Loras' beauty in the candlelight._

_"This silly nonsense you've got into your head about you not bedding me anymore. It has to stop."_

_"And why is that Loras?" Renly asked sweetly, not even letting himself glance up._

_Loras knew he was being bold, but even so, he reached over the cyvasse board and pushed Renly's chin up, forcing him to look at him. "Everyone sees you running after that stable boy Renly. And everyone finds it most amusing."_

_That might have been a lie, but then again, it might not have been, Loras reasoned with himself. He had no idea whether anybody else had noticed Renly's attempts to court the boy in the stables._

_"They do?" Renly choked out. He didn't like to think of his men laughing at him behind his back, but he figured that if that were the price he had to pay to protect Loras from himself, then he would have to accept it._

_"They do." Loras told him firmly. "Which is why it shall be better that you resume bedding me."_

_"I don't think so," Renly insisted. "And I'm offended that you evidently think my resolve so weak that that would shake it." Pointedly, he returned his attentions to the cyvasse board, laying out the complicated pieces. He hadn't expected Loras to surrender the argument easily, though he also hadn't expected that the next time he glanced up from the board, Loras would be naked, his clothes folded neatly on the table._

_"Well this shan't bother you if you're resolve is so strong." Loras told him, sitting down cross legged on the bed. He made no attempt to hide his modesty and he smirked as Renly's cheeks quickly turned pink. He did not fail to notice either that Renly's breeches appeared to grow a little tighter._

_"_ Put your clothes back on this instant, _" Renly hissed, trying to avert his eyes._

_"Why?" Loras said, his brow furrowing. "Does my nakedness bother you? It's only an unclothed body Renly. We all have one. Does it frighten you?"_

_Quite honestly, it did frighten Renly. The way he wasn't able to stop staring at it was almost terrifying. "Just move," he said a little helplessly, "get away from me."_

_Loras obliged, but he didn't put his clothes back on. Instead, he simply went to one of Renly's drawers, finding the little vial of oil easily before he lay down on the edge of Renly's bed, face down against the covers as usual._

_He was silent as he lay there, and Renly was almost tempted to just leave him there. But it seemed that his desire had a mind of his own, and before Renly was even quite aware of it himself, the oil was slippery between his palms and Loras' skin was silky under his fingertips._


	12. Chapter 12

Even the knowledge that his mother's brooch was rusting somewhere in Shipbreaker Bay wasn't enough to make Renly hate Loras, or even stop him thinking about him, and Renly was beginning to wonder now whether anything ever would be.

He'd seen Loras the other day even, admittedly from a distance, and Renly had been pained to see that one of Loras' hands had been in smothered in bandages, from an injury that Renly could only begin to guess at. It had been all Renly could do not to run to him there and then, and that night he'd fallen asleep to imaginings of it having been him who had carefully wrapped Loras' hand in strips of linen, kissing it gently once he was done. It hurt all the more to think that his imaginings shouldn't have had to be but imaginings; that they could have been all too real if he'd only ignored what was right and followed his heart that night when Loras had come to his bedside.

He didn't run to him that day though, nor the next day, and Renly made sure to keep his distance as he had promised Loras. He did not approach Loras, nor look hopefully over in his direction to try and catch his eye. He didn't even allow himself the joy of watching Loras at practice in the courtyard of the Red Keep from afar. What Renly couldn't help though, was listening out for news of Loras, and sometimes, when he felt particularly lonely, he would send one of his servants to watch Loras for him, to recount news of how Loras passed his day and whether he had seemed in good spirits. Renly wondered miserably though whether this was going to prove to be a pattern he never broke, and whether he'd pass the rest of his days watching Loras wistfully from the shadows and having his servants trail the boy all over the Red Keep just so he could content himself with knowing that Loras was happy. He knew it was a shameful thing for him to do, but then again, he supposed that his silent watching did not hurt Loras. It certainly hurt him less than the alternative.

Renly longed desperately to be able to simply wish away his feelings for Loras, and yet as the days turned into weeks, he found the pain of his longing did not fade. It remained as fresh and sharp as if it had still been yesterday that he'd turned Loras away from his chambers.

He dwelt on why that was for a long time, and he eventually came to suppose that it was the lack of finality that left him pining after Loras. He'd told Loras that his decision was final, but Renly knew better than anyone how little that meant. Words are wind, it was always said.

What Renly needed was something more than words to prevent him from taking Loras into his bed once more, something tangible, and it was with that thought that a little miserably he decided he ought to speak to Robert.

Robert was surprisingly sober when Renly sought him out that afternoon, for which he was grateful. This was not a conversation he wished to have with the drunken fool his brother usually was.

"So what is it Renly?" Robert asked, putting down his goblet with a thump on the table. "Varys tells me you need to speak to me."

Renly frowned. He hadn't divulged his plans to anybody yet. "Really?" he asked.

"Nah," Robert laughed. "I'm just pulling your leg." He gestured to the chair beside him. "What are you here for then?" He waved to one of his many squires to pour Renly a cup of wine.

"I thought that we might talk in private." Renly said quietly.

Robert seemed a little surprised, but he clapped his hands loudly all the same and inclined his head towards the door. Quickly all of his blond-haired, green-eyed squires scurried away, though Renly had no doubt that they were eagerly listening at the doorway.

"I thought it maybe time that I take a wife," Renly confided slowly. The fact that the words came so easily out of his mouth surprised him a little. He had always vowed to put off taking a wife as long as possible. Now, though, things were different, and Renly imagined that resisting the temptation Loras posed would come so much easier to him when he had a wife whose honour rested upon it, a wife who he would bring shame upon if he were caught rutting against another man.

Robert gave a little chuckle. "I always knew you had no wits about you." He clapped Renly on the shoulder. "Got a girl in mind then?"

"No actually," Renly admitted. "Which is why I'm here. I thought I might as well marry someone useful for you, you know, like Stannis did." For perhaps the first time in his life, Renly was willing to follow Stannis' example. It was odd. Renly had always been rather proud of how much he took after his eldest brother but he had also always sorely wished that he had Stannis' control, his ability to not fall prey to his lusts. Alas though, like Robert, Renly had a man's needs, needs which he found difficult to deny.

Robert shrugged. "You confuse me brother. No girl in mind and yet you want to make yourself miserable?"

Renly just sighed, and nodded. It probably wouldn't make him particularly happy, but he imagined anything would be better than lusting after what he couldn't allow himself to have. When he had a wife, resisting the temptation Loras presented would be so much easier, Renly thought, and soon enough, that wife would bear him children, and he imagined that even his perverse heart could love a babe even if it couldn't love a woman.

He might even give up his position on the small council and return to Storm's End, Renly thought, where he would be far far away from Loras. And perhaps, with time, the babes his wife gave him would chase away from the castle the memories Renly had of Loras, and slowly Renly would forget that once, a long time ago, another boy had grown up within the walls of Storm's End, a boy with curls and eyes like the sunshine.

A wife and children would bring him distraction, Renly supposed, loved ones around whom he could structure his day. And perhaps with a son to teach and a daughter to read stories to in the evenings, he would find it easier to look the other way when a handsome man passed his way. He would have children who looked up to him, impressionable babes of his own who Renly could not allow himself to show a bad example to.

"So what do you want in this wife of yours?" Robert grunted.

"Well, I'd like her to be beautiful, obviously." Renly laughed. He found no allure in women's charms but he was also no stranger to feminine beauty. Any wife of his would have to look good on his arm. "And preferably with a rich father?"

Robert gave a small laugh. "Aye," he agreed. "Well, I'll tell you what Renly, we'll have you a ball. Give you a chance to see what you have to choose from."

Renly mulled over the idea. Surprisingly, as did not often happen with any of Robert's ideas, Renly found it to be rather a good one. That way, he could choose a suitable one. One who would be beautiful, but also who would be both kind and understanding, a woman who would not be so bold to laugh at him if he happened to fumble between the sheets, or if by some horrific slip of the tongue, Loras' name rolled off his lips as he touched her.

At the ball, he would make sure to hold conversation with all the eligible women, to see which one would be most capable of keeping him amused, if not capable of arousing him. He would find the girl who one day, he might find he was able to come to care for. He doubted that he should ever love a woman with the fire that he loved Loras, but Renly liked to imagine that he could love in a gentler way, a quieter way, and that he might find solace in a woman's soft caresses and her tender words.

"A ball it is then," he told Robert. "But you mustn't tell that I wish to wed. I don't want to the girls lining up so to speak, or to put on special airs so that I might choose them."

"If you insist," Robert picked up his wine glass and took a long drink. "What brought this on then?"

Renly shrugged. "You wouldn't understand." He knew better than to ever attempt to talk to his brothers about personal matters.

Robert snorted though. "Are you accusing your king of having a simple mind?"

"No," Renly insisted, even privately he did have to think Robert of simple mind. "Fine then," he sighed. "I wish to wed because I have fallen in love with someone inappropriate, who I wish now to forget."

"A girl you can't wed eh?"

"Yes," Renly agreed. "A girl I couldn't possibly wed."

Robert chuckled. "Is she a whore? It's not one of Littlefinger's girls is it?"

Renly grimaced. "No, she's not a whore." He may have treated Loras like one, but still he thought it safe to say that Loras was no whore. He was a lord's son, and Renly had done a most shamefully good job of forgetting that.

"Well whoever she is," Robert said. "I shouldn't worry. Just take a wife, and keep the girl as your lover."

"I can't," Renly sighed. "It wouldn't be right."

"Why, is she already married?" Robert looked sceptical and Renly knew that he was most likely thinking that it was neither here nor there whether a woman was married before taking her to bed.

"It's more complicated than that,"

Robert just exhaled deeply and picked up his wine again. He was evidently tired of their conversation and he just waved Renly in the direction of the door. "Off with you Renly," he grunted. "I've no time for anything complicated."

A little gratefully even, Renly took his leave.


	13. Chapter 13

_"Are you really still pouting about the tournament?" Renly laughed as they climbed the stairs to his chambers. "You took second place!"_

_"That still means I lost," Loras grumbled. It would probably be easier to accept if it wasn't the Kingslayer who he had lost to. Jaime Lannister had come with the king to the tournament at Storm's End and he'd been the one who Loras had been hoping to beat most of all. It seemed he still had a long way to go._

_Renly opened the door and ushered Loras inside. "Look on the bright side Loras. If you had won, I would have had to knight you on the spot! What would happen to me then?" He was grinning as he said it though in truth it was something Renly oft worried about as of late. Surely Loras would return to Highgarden once he was knighted and Renly would be left without a squire and without his best friend. Loras' capacity as a bed partner was not something Renly allowed himself to dwell on but he was sure he would miss Loras in that as well, and even beyond that the thought of being without Loras for any period of time made his chest ache._

_Loras was smiling at him though. "Don't be daft. I'm not going anywhere. I want to stay in Storm's End once I'm knighted. If you'll have me, that is."_

_It took Renly several moments before he could fathom a response. "Yes, of course I'll have you!" he said, stunned. Loras had great prospects as a knight, and Renly had assumed that he'd want to be out in the kingdom, rescuing maidens and winning tourneys, all those gallant deeds that Loras had always dreamed of. "You truly want to?"_

_Loras nodded. "Just imagine what would happen to you if I didn't. Who would put up with you then?" Laughing, he reached up and touched the rose brooch pinned to the inside of Renly's cloak. "I meant what I said when I gave you this, you know. I'll always be yours."_

_The grin on Renly's face was so wide it seemed to spread from ear to ear. He pulled Loras into a smothering hug, feeling a sudden rush of affection for the boy in his arms and a warmth deep inside his chest._

_"Call for some wine," he laughed, the sound muffling in Loras' hair, the soft silky curls tickling his chin. "We need to celebrate!"_

_"Celebrate?" Loras laughed against his chest, "Haven't you done enough celebrating this evening? I can still smell it on you."_

_"Then I shall need more to cover it up, shan't I?"_

_Loras just ignored how little sense that made and asked a servant to bring up more wine for them. Renly's cheerful mood was contagious. He was smiling like a fool as he hummed one of the livelier songs from the dancing that evening, and by the time a servant arrived with a cask of wine, Loras was humming along with him._

_They seated themselves on Renly's bed with a goblet shared between them. Loras had not drank much at the feast or during the dancing afterwards but now that there was no need to worry about fumbling his steps, he saw no reason not to indulge as well. He smiled as Renly recounted some bawdy tale of Pimple Pate the Pig Boy that became more and more funny with the more they drank. By the end of it they were both sprawled out over the bed, their chests pained from laughing so much._

_Eventually, they managed to catch their breath and Renly took another long swig from the goblet, tasting the fruity notes of the Arbour gold on his tongue as he lay back against his pillows. Loras lay stretched out next to him, and Renly smiled when the candlelight caught the jewel in the stag brooch pinned to Loras' collar._

_Grinning, he traced the shape of the prancing animal with a clumsy finger. "This stag is different," he mused._

_"Different?" Loras asked, indulging his lord as he evidently got more and more into his cups. "How so?"_

_"Well look," Renly placed a warm hand on Loras' tunic, tracing the outline of the stags on the fabric there too. "These ones aren't prancing half so much."_

_"Are they not?" Loras breathed, amused. Renly hadn't moved his hand from his tunic and he closed his eyes at the affectionate gesture, breathing in Renly's scent deeply._

_"It's good I gave this to you," Renly smiled. "It's easier to admire it on you, and it really is a pretty brooch to look isn't it?"_

_Loras raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty to look at too," he pointed out._

_"Yes you are," Renly murmured softly. Once more he traced the outline of the stags on Loras' tunic before laying his hand flat, just over Loras' heart._

_The place where Renly's hand lay on his chest felt very warm. Loras was warm all over in fact - the wine seemed to have made the temperature in room rise, and soon Loras decided it was a good idea to remove the tunic with the embroidered stags Renly was so fascinated by. Carelessly, he tossed it to the floor and collapsed back onto the bed. He felt more comfortable without it, and he relished the cool air against his skin._

_"Um," Renly managed, staring at the expanse of stomach now visible between Loras' shift and breeches._

_Noticing his gaze and taking a few moments for his slowed thoughts to recognise its intent, Loras' hands went to the edge of his shift. "Shall I undress?" he asked needlessly._

_"Yes," Renly agreed at once._

_The wine made them clumsy and slow, and when Loras was finally naked and laid out on the bed, Renly stumbled and fell half on top of him. They were both laughing as Renly righted himself and fumbled in the drawer for the vial of oil. He forgot his usual reservations as his hand stroked over the curve of Loras' arse. His touches had grown steadily bolder and fonder as time wore on and now, aided by the ease of the wine, there was no hesitance at all in his affection. The only thing preventing him from lingering and enjoying every slide of his fingers into Loras was the urgency of how suddenly desperate he'd become to be inside Loras._

_It was with a clumsy haste that Renly bent Loras over the edge of the bed, sliding his slippery hands down Loras' bare sides and leaving a thin sheen of oil in their wake that shimmered in the candlelight._

_Loras closed his eyes as Renly pushed into him. The noises Renly made were even more fervent this time, his tongue evidently loosened by the wine, and Loras' breath quickened to hear that it was his own name slipping off Renly's lips._

_By the time Renly's grip on his hips tightened and he spent inside Loras, Loras had grown fully hard. He'd not been able to stop the pleasurable feelings of it lately, nor had he really tried. He took every effort he could to hide his arousal from Renly though, knowing how Renly would lament over tainting Loras or something silly like that._

_He was desperate to escape Renly's chambers and finish himself, but in the languish of wine, Renly hadn't moved from atop Loras. He'd just collapsed there, comfortably warm, but so heavy that Loras could barely move._

_Renly laughed when he realised and he shifted to allow Loras to be more comfortable. His absence left Loras feeling cold and alone though, and it only took a few seconds for Loras to decide that pressed again Renly was exactly where he wanted to be._

_He turned over so he could look at Renly. There was no hint of shame on Renly's face yet. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were dark, and there was still keen desire in his gaze as he shifted up onto his elbow to look at Loras more closely._

_It was wine or madness that came over Loras as he laid his hands at his sides, making no attempt to hide his arousal. Renly eagerly drank up the sight before him. He reached to hover his hand over Loras' hard cock, close enough that he could feel the heat of it._

_"Do you want me to?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper._

_"_ Please, _" Loras breathed._

_Renly kept his eyes on Loras' face for the first brush of his fingers over the velvety skin, watching the way his eyes closed with a sharp intake of breath. Renly could remember the way it felt the first time, and the shock at how different someone else's hand could feel than your own. For all he'd done to Loras, Renly had never touched him here, and there was a thrill in knowing that he was the first and only to make Loras feel this way._

_It took only a few moments of stilted gasps and harsh pants before Loras let out a cry and spilled over his stomach. A sheen of sweat had broken out on his face and the flush on his cheeks had only deepened, lips parted as he caught his breath. He opened his eyes again, blinking slowly, and he looked up at Renly with such a look of awe and wonder that it was very difficult for Renly not to lean down and kiss him._

_It was a startling thought that Renly brushed away as quickly as it had come, focusing again on his own desire. The sight and sounds of Loras coming undone in his hand had roused him again and he reached for Loras' hip._

_"Um, Loras..." Renly mumbled. He tried to turn Loras over so that he might take him again, but Loras was so boneless that Renly barely managed to get him on his side._

_Loras just laughed breathlessly. "Like_ this, _" he said. He shifted onto his back again and tugged Renly with surprising force, pushing him until he was positioned between Loras' thighs._

_The sight of Loras spread before him with his own release shining on his stomach was enough to make Renly's throat go dry. This was_ too _close. Renly should say no, and insist on what he'd persisted in from the beginning with forcing Loras' involvement as little as possible. Instead, he found himself eagerly positioning Loras' legs around his waist so he could get close enough to press back inside him._

_Though Loras had at times caught glimpses of Renly's face over his shoulder, Loras had never seen him quite like this. His hair fell over his eyes with every hard and fast push into him, and Loras let his eyes roam over every inch of him- his half-closed blue eyes, his parted lips, the way the muscles rippled in his chest as he moved atop him. He was glorious, Loras thought, and none of the illustrations in that book of Renly's had come anywhere close to being even half as enticing. It felt better like this somehow, enough that it made Loras tremble, and he was already half hard when Renly took him in hand again._

_Renly tried not to look at Loras' face as he fucked him but it was too tempting a venture for him to deny completely. He knew he should have been shocked to see Loras gazing up at him with desire he wasn't even trying to conceal, but Renly couldn't resist watching the pleasure dance across Loras' face. It was satisfying, and he relished it. The feel of Loras' legs around his waist, moving with each thrust, was better than Renly had imagined, and when Loras cried out and clenched around him, Renly could not help but follow him over the edge._

_When Renly lowered himself back onto the bed, it was not so much on top of Loras as it had been before, and so Loras had to shift over to press against him. The room was still very warm and sweat shone on their skin but Loras could imagine no better to place to be than at Renly side._

_Renly's fingers stroked over Loras' back, gentle as they always were. A look of complete ease was on his face and Loras could not help but admire how beautiful he looked right now. When his eyes met Loras', he smiled. For the first time his expression did not change to shame in the aftermath of what he'd done, and when his smiled faded, it was only because he'd drifted off into a pleasant sleep._

* * *

_Loras had never been privy to the evenings that Renly had spent with his previous lovers, and yet often now, he liked to take pride in the fact that he thought himself to be Renly's favourite. He couldn't be sure of course, but he imagined that he was the first with whom Renly had shared his bed almost each and every night, the first too whose name Renly often panted late into the evenings as he brought them release. Loras couldn't know either whether Renly had bent his previous lovers over in every broom cupboard within the walls of Storm's End - or if he'd ever fucked them four times in a row until they were aching rather pleasantly, but he thought it unlikely. It was a strangely pleasing thought._   
  
_Renly felt only a little shame when he thought on how often he now took his pleasure with Loras. It felt too good to be guilty over, far too good perhaps. He'd often used to fear seeing Loras' face as he fucked him, and yet he quickly discovered that there was little to be afraid of there. Loras' face was a constant source of delight in fact. His mouth would part ever so slightly as he was fucked, gold-flecked eyes occasionally meeting Renly's own before fluttering closed, eyelashes brushing his cheek. Sometimes it made Renly's heart pound in his chest, and probably not just because Loras' arse was gloriously tight around his cock. It was a worrying thought, and yet Renly never let himself dwell on it. Instead, he convinced himself that it mattered little quite how often he took his pleasure with Loras, and that it mattered little too if he sometimes enjoyed watching the expressions on Loras' face as much as the actual act. He never kissed him, and he took solace in that last remaining bit of restraint between them._   
  
_Loras took no solace in that. He never dared raise the subject, far too fearful that Renly would be horrified by the fact that Loras desired that sort of affection from him, but he couldn't help wondering each and every time Renly fucked him if this time might be the day Renly deigned to kiss him. He found the sort of affection Renly gave him strange. All his life he'd grown up seeing kissing as normal, common even; Margaery had used to kiss every stable boy she took a fancy to, whilst Garlan and Leonette had been virtually inseparable. Renly, however, made no sense to him. He'd put his hands in Loras' hair; he'd whisper his name back to him as he neared his release; he'd even lie tangled up with him for hours afterwards, legs entwined, but he'd never venture to press his lips even chastely against Loras'._   
  
_Both of them found it became easier as the months passed. Renly found it tiring to feel guilty over what had become so commonplace in his day, and Loras in turn stopped letting the disappointment bother him too much when he tilted his face up towards Renly's and was staunchly ignored. He did not need to be kissed to know just how fond Renly was of him._

* * *

_Loras could not keep the smile from his face. Just a few hours ago he'd knelt in the sept with Renly before him and a crowd behind. The statues of the gods surrounded them on all sides but Loras only had eyes for Renly's smiling face. Loras had said the vows and Renly's sword touched each of his shoulders. When Loras got to his feet, it was as Ser Loras, a true knight, as he'd dreamed of for as long as he could remember._

_Of course Renly threw a party for the occasion. Minstrels from as far as the Riverlands were invited and the table legs creaked under the weight of the food, all chosen specifically to be the flavours that Loras liked best. No expense was spared, and though Loras enjoyed the feast, and the dancing even more, he had in mind another way he should like to celebrate tonight._

_Renly had only stepped to the side of the hall to rest for a moment when a strong hand grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him into the hall. His first thought was that he was about to be assassinated but when he was backed into an alcove by a warm, familiar body pressing against his own, he knew immediately what to expect._

_The grin on Loras' face could only be described as devilish. He pressed close enough that Renly could feel the heat radiating off his body and smell the perfume in his hair. "Were you thinking of something else while I was on my knees before you today?" Loras asked teasingly._

_Renly felt his cheeks go red and was grateful that the alcove was dark enough to hide it. His gaze fell to Loras' lips, full and beautiful and still curved in that sly smirk. The look in Loras' eyes was one he was well familiar with too and Renly knew just how persuasive Loras could be in getting what he wanted._

_"Well? Were you?" Loras prompted, fingers running along the edge of Renly's collar. Renly swallowed nervously._

_"Loras..."_

_"_ Ser _Loras," Loras said. He pressed even closer and Renly could feel the outline of his cock through his breeches. "Tell me what you were imagining."_

_Renly's heart was thundering in his chest. They had never done what Loras was hinting at, nor anything like it, but Renly could not deny that it had crossed his mind before. Not only today, when Loras had been on his knees, but often recently as his daydreams drifted to all the forbidden things he and Loras could do together if they weren't bound by the limitations the arrangement had entitled. Loras' mouth was so tempting and had been central to so many of those fantasies. Now, with Loras standing so boldly before him, Renly could deny the pleasure longer. His hands went to unlace his breeches as Loras dropped to his knees before him._

_Loras had little idea what he was meant to do. The book's illustrations provided little insight and the ribald tales he'd overheard from knights and servants were likely highly exaggerated, but the way Renly groaned as Loras ran his tongue over the underside of Renly's cock must have meant that Loras was on the right track. The tight grip Renly had on his hair sent a thrill down Loras' spine and he quickly lost himself in teasing licks and experimental sucks to discover the range of sounds he could produce from Renly._

_Loras was not as naturally skilled at this as he seemed to be with everything he turned his mind to, but when he struggled with the angle or remembering to breathe it only made it Renly enjoy it more. This was something he'd given to only Renly. He'd offered it freely and seemed as lost in the pleasure of it as Renly was._

_"Loras," Renly warned, his climax quickly approaching. He nudged Loras back but Loras only increased his efforts. Within seconds Renly was spilling into his mouth with a deep groan._

_When Loras drew back he was coughing, a dribble of seed running down his chin, but he didn't seem at all displeased. He had the sweetest of smiles on his face as he gazed up at Renly._

_Renly felt as if his heart might burst. It was still racing from arousal and combined with the warm glow of release, he could not stop himself from grabbing Loras by the front of his doublet and dragging him to his feet to push their mouths together._

_There was no hesitation from Loras as he all but melted into the kiss. He kissed Renly back at once, pressing against him and tangling his hands into Renly's hair. It felt like he'd been waiting for this moment his whole life. Such a feeling spread through him that he wanted to laugh, and they parted and he saw the stunned expression on Renly's face, he did laugh._

_"It's an acquired taste, is it?" he laughed, wrinkling his nose as he wiped away the trace of seed from Renly's lip. He set to making Renly presentable again, relacing his breeches and tucking back his hair where it had come free from the green ribbon. "Now let's go back before we're missed." Smiling, Loras held his hand out for Renly to take._

_"You go ahead," Renly said. When Loras looked at him curiously, he explained, "If anyone is watching, it will seem odd for both of us leave at once."_

_Loras just nodded, though Renly had been far less cautious with the places they’d taken their pleasure before. He smiled at Renly again before slipping out of the alcove, a notable bounce to his step. He could not imagine any way for this day to be any better. It was just like Renly, Loras thought. All that time he'd spent waiting for when Renly might finally kiss him and of course it had only been a matter of Loras' knighthood. Loras recalled the day when he'd first told Renly that he planned to stay in Storm's End after being knighted; Renly had been ecstatic, and so eager. Loras should have guessed then that it was all building up to this, and he was glad that he'd never have to spend time wondering again._

_Renly waited until the sound of Loras' footsteps faded, but even then he did not emerge to rejoin the party. His heart had not stopped racing and he was trembling now too. What had come over him? He swore he could still feel the press of Loras' lips against his own and he sagged back against the wall of the alcove, head in his hands._


	14. Chapter 14

Applause rose up as Loras' lance struck his opponent's breastplate. The knight all but flew off his horse, much to the excitement of the small crowd that had gathered to watch the practice. Having an audience even in the training yard was not unusual for Loras, though the praises that everyone had for him had lost their charm as of late. Loras found that he cared little for compliments, be them for his skill or his looks, and even the thought that he would likely win the upcoming tournament didn't excite him as it usually did.

Three young ladies stood on the other side of the fence, likely hoping for a smile or a wink from the Knight of Flowers, though they seemed completely oblivious that Loras could overhear their conversation about him.

"I wouldn't mind marrying him," one of them gushed adoringly.

"He gave me a flower at the last tournament you know," another bragged.

"We know," the other two sighed. "You've only mentioned it two hundred times or so by now."

The girl only laughed and sighed dreamily as she leaned against the fence. "You wouldn't soon forget it either if you had his favour. Don't worry, though, there are plenty of other handsome unmarried men about. Who knows - soon one of us might even marry Lord Renly!"

The giddy laughter that followed gave Loras a headache, and the way his jaw clenched at the mention of Renly's name made it even worse. He'd had enough of practice today, he decided, and turned his horse to leave the yard.

It was not the last peculiar mention of Renly's name that Loras would hear that day. After bathing and dressing, Loras ventured to the armoury to have his sword sharpened, and the grating conversation of two nearby knights was so loud that he could not ignore it.

"All I'm saying is that we need to get an invitation to that ball somehow," one told the other. "Every unwed lady in the kingdom will be there looking her best, and they can't all be dancing with him all the time."

The other snorted derisively. "And what makes you think that they'll go straight to you after him?"

"Why shouldn't they?"

"You've got a face like a dog's arse, for starters."

The other grinned and rubbed a hand over his patchy beard. "Yeah, but I clean up nice. I'm telling you, once those ladies realize they can't all marry Lord Renly, they'll be swooning into my arms."

Renly's name brought a scowl to Loras' face again and he felt as if he could not leave the armoury quick enough.

Several carts of flowers were parked along the path on the way back to Loras' chambers. There were roses in every shape and colour that Loras had ever seen. They were beautiful, Loras thought as he admired them, and when he spotted a type of yellow rose that was particular to Highgarden, his heart leapt in his chest. He could not help but reach out to touch one of the blossoms. The silky petals under his fingertips made him smile for what felt like the first time in weeks.

"Ser, please don't touch those," the cartman urged, hurrying over to Loras. He was dressed in servants' clothing from Highgarden and his eyes widened first at Loras' curly hair, and even more when he spotted the Tyrell sigil on Loras' surcoat. He immediately dropped into a deep bow. "Oh! M'lord, forgive me, I didn't think to see you here in the capital!"

"Have you brought these all the way from Highgarden?" Loras asked as he ran his fingers over another one of the familiar blooms. It was more comforting than Loras could have imagined to see this little piece of home. King's Landing had felt so lonely as of late and the roses were a welcome reminder of a place where Loras had people who cared for him.

"Yes, m'lord, those are sent from the castle's garden," the cartman explained, "Lord Renly requested them."

For the third time that day Loras grit his teeth at hearing Renly's name. Everyone seemed to be talking about him today and Loras didn't like any of the implications. "Why did he request flowers from Highgarden?"

"Forgive me for being so bold, but if Lord Renly wants the finest flowers, where else should he look but the Reach?" The cartman smiled proudly as he admired the flowers in his cart. "And they're here so that Lord Renly can select which ones he wants for the ball, m'lord. It's the talk everywhere. Lord Renly is holding a grand event so that he might find a wife."

The crushed petals of the yellow rose fluttered to the ground as Loras stormed off with all the fury of a tempest. He'd not made his way to Renly's chambers often since coming to King's Landing though he knew exactly the path to take. It had never seemed so long and yet Loras had never travelled it so fast.

It was a marvel that the wooden door didn't splinter as Loras pounded on it. "Renly!" he shouted, rattling the handle furiously. "Renly, open this door!"

The door opened only the slightest bit and Renly's squire peered out hesitantly. "I'm sorry, ser, but Lord-"

Loras didn't listen to the rest as he shoved the door open, sending the squire sprawling back over the floor. He ignored the squire's continued protests and strode over to Renly's bedchamber.

"Married?" Loras snarled at Renly, "You're getting married?"

Renly looked more shocked to see Loras than he did to have been caught in the bath. Water dripped from his freshly-washed hair into the still steaming water and the most put-upon frown appeared on his face.

"You shouldn't be here," he said.

Renly's squire had gotten back to his feet and rushed into the room, grabbing Loras' arm as if he meant to apprehend him. "My lord, I couldn't stop him!"

"It's alright," Renly soothed, "Ser Loras won't be staying long."

"I'll stay as long as I damn well choose!" Loras shoved the boy's hands off of him and rounded on Renly. "Married, really, what are you thinking?"

"Who told you that?" Renly asked, frowning.

"Who hasn't told me that, more like," Loras spat, "I didn't believe it at first because I didn't think it was true, even you couldn't be that stupid, but apparently you are."

Renly showed no response to the harsh words, merely looking resigned to the insult. "I'm the Lord of the Storm Lands, and brother to the King, Loras. We've known all along that I must take a wife one day."

"But you don't want to!" Loras protested.

Renly turned away with a sigh. "You don't know what I want."

"Don't I?" Loras asked. Ignoring him, Renly waved his squire over, who approached with a towel and held it to shield Renly's nakedness as Renly rose from the bath. With everything that was blowing through Loras' head at the moment, he did not even stop to think of how ridiculous it was when Loras had seen Renly's naked body hundreds of times before. "Don't I?" Loras asked again.

Still Renly ignored him, wrapping the towel around his waist and crossing over to the dressing table. He waved his squire from the room and began combing out his wet hair.

"I'll take a wife, as is expect of me," Renly said.

"But why now?" Loras demanded. "You always said you must one day, but there's no need for it now. You can't want to. Wait a few years at least, until you must."

Again Renly made no response, his face set as stubbornly as Loras had ever seen it. The firm resolve seemed set to convince Renly himself as much as it did Loras. Anger fading, Loras drew closer and gingerly laid his hand on Renly's shoulder. "Don't do this Renly. I can't stand the thought of you being miserable."

The hollow laugh was ill-suited to Renly's voice. That sentiment hadn't exactly been apparent with the way Loras had treated him as of late. Renly shifted away from Loras' touch and rose to step behind the privacy screen to dress. "Please Loras. Just forget about this," he said from behind the painted screen. "The way we parted last time was not ideal, but it made it easier."

"Easy? There was nothing easy about it for me."

A long silence followed. "I did not ask you to leave," Renly said at last.

Loras bristled. What choice did he have back then? "You didn't have to forget about me. One word from you, one letter would have been enough. If you had tried to tell me that you still loved me, I would have come back."

Renly's voice was so quiet that Loras almost didn't hear it. "Don't speak of love," he said.

"Why shouldn't I?" Loras demanded, growing angry and even angrier at Renly hiding behind the screen to escape him. "That was the truth of it. Do you have any idea what I would have done for you? What I would still do now?"

When Renly still gave no response, Loras strode over and stepped behind the screen. Renly was seated in a chair among his clothing, half dressed with his head in his hands.

"Don't do this Renly," Loras begged him.

Renly let out a sigh. "And what would you have me do instead? Take you to bed again, I suppose."

"It will be more than that. You know it will. More than a friend as well." Loras' heart was thundering in his chest, though it did not make him hesitate. He'd never put it into words to Renly before but he'd felt it for so long and saying it felt as natural as breathing. "I'll be yours," he said. "Will you have me Renly?"

Renly rubbed at his temples as if he were trying to fend off a headache. "I just want this ended. I can't go through that again."

"Please!" Loras said. It was a rare word for him to use but he meant it desperately. "Don't do this to yourself. You know it's not what you want." His heart was still racing and the thought of Renly slipping through his fingers to a life of misery made him even more desperate. "Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you never loved me?"

"No," Renly whispered.

"No you won't, or no you never loved me?"

With a sigh, Renly shook his head. He finally sat up and met Loras' eyes, face dark.

"Just go, Loras," he said.

As Loras took in the cold, solemn look in Renly's eyes, he realized that the last time they parted, the parting that he'd thought was the worst pain he could every feel, had not even come close.

"Fine," he said, voice much stronger than he felt right now. His face was so stiffly set in a sneer that he felt as if it might crack. He gathered up what little remained of his pride and slunk from the room to return to his chambers.

His thoughts had gone thankfully numb as he gathered up the few things he would need on the road. The servants seemed surprised with his instructions that his belongings were to be packed and sent back to Highgarden as soon as possible but they made no complaint.

It was not hard to find the group of Highgarden soldiers who had come as an escort with the carts of flowers, nor was it difficult to persuade them to allow their liege lord's son to join them on the journey back to Highgarden. They set off in the early evening before the sun had even begun to set. King's Landing had never felt like home. Loras had never felt any happiness there and he did not even turn back for one last look at the city as they rode off over the plains.


	15. Chapter 15

_"So this is the end of it," Renly told him, "I shan't take you to bed again."_

_Loras had remained comfortably lounging against the windowsill throughout Renly's obviously scripted speech, merely nodding as Renly carried on and on about impropriety and indecency. He looked entirely at ease, even a bit amused. "Whatever you say, Renly," Loras agreed._

_"I mean it. You won't change my mind this time," Renly insisted._

_"Of course." Loras smiled at him. He knew better than to take Renly at his word with this._

_Despite the firm determination in Renly's steps as he left Loras' chambers, Loras knew there was no real weight to Renly's resolve. It had happened once before, when Renly had quite suddenly decided that he needed to stop taking him to bed. Loras knew exactly how it would go: a few days would pass and Renly would be craving Loras so badly he couldn't keep his hands off him._

_Until then, Loras would humour him._ Until then... _Loras sighed, frustration tugging at him. When he'd found Renly waiting at the door of his chambers, Loras' first thought had been that he would very much like to have Renly's cock in his mouth again. It had been so rushed that first time in the hall. He wanted to know what it would be like if he could take his time, draw out Renly's pleasure. Waiting for that would not be easy but it would be worth it. He'd wait as long as Renly could, which couldn't be very long at all._

 

* * *

 

 

_Renly did not sleep easy that night, nor the next, but on the third day the midday sun on his face seemed to bring a little clarity. The air felt less heavy outside, less suffocating, and Renly found that he could clear his head a little, escape from the endless circle of guilt he'd trapped himself inside. His mind of course still swum with heart-wrenching images of Loras knelt before him but knowing now that he was taking steps to put a stop to his squire's humiliation seemed somehow to lift a weight from his chest; it was soothing, reassuring, and with his determination renewed, Renly imagined that he'd be able to politely refuse the offers Loras might make him._

_The road into Bronzegate was crowded and Renly wondered if this were the first time he'd ever ridden it alone. Probably, he imagined. Often he had used to ride out into the woodland that surrounded Storm's End, near enough that he might almost always be able to see the grey stone walls of his home through the trees. Even that beloved place he often took Loras lay almost in the shadow of those comforting walls, despite the fact that upon finding it he had believed himself most fearless indeed for wandering so far from home. He'd been ten at the time and in his mind's eye he'd trekked miles to find it, cutting down foe after foe as he went. In reality, he'd been but a few miles from the gates and no doubt one of his guards had been quietly following him at a distance to make sure he didn't get into too much trouble._

_Now though, Renly was completely alone, not even Loras at his side, and it wasn't half as fun as it had always been when he'd been younger. He'd lost that fearlessness that came with extreme youth, and whilst he felt untouchable when surrounded by his men, he felt naked out on the road all alone, mounted on a horse that was too expensive for his own good and in clothes that were still undeniably rich even if he had taken care to avoid wearing a sigil._

_The faces of the smallfolk that he saw as he passed were surely the same ones that he always saw when out with his men, and yet today, every smiling face became a snarl, every casual reach into a pocket to draw out a moneybag surely a move to draw out a dagger._

_More than anything, Renly wished he had Loras at his side. Even before he'd been knighted Loras had been a force to be reckoned with and Renly had never realised before quite how safe he felt with Loras._

_It frightened him a little, and yet what was most disconcerting was not the assassination attempts that he was sure were lurking just out of his sight, but was just how invisible he seemed to be out here without his banners. Usually when he rode this road, the crowds would see the crowned stag and cheer his name, throwing flower petals before his horse's feet as he smiled at them, bestowing a wave on them from time to time._

_Now though, whilst a few stole a glance at his rich, if plain, clothing, Renly crossed paths with the smallfolk without anyone even batting an eyelid as to the fact that the lord paramount of the Stormlands was in their very midst. Every moment, he expected a little girl to break into a smile and shout "Lord Renly," but nobody did._

_Gripping his sword a little more tightly, Renly kicked his horse into an anxious trot. If this was what he needed to do to give Loras the respect he deserved, Renly would accept it._

 

* * *

 

 

_It was midday before Loras realised that his lord was gone. He'd come up from the training yard as usual, filthy with dust and with the hope that he and Renly might as well fuck before he climbed into that day's bath, a logic that of course had nothing to do with the fact that Loras had been imagining Renly fucking him throughout the entire morning's work. It was one of those things that Loras occasionally wondered if he should feel guilty about, for the training yard was for practice and not for his crude imaginings, but he always comforted himself with the fact that it wasn't his fault that he'd long outgrown all competition at Storm's End. Neither was it his fault if the useless master-at-arms couldn't find him an suitably challenging opponent that forced him to concentrate enough not to drift into his daydreams._

_If this was to be his lot at Storm's End though, Loras was sure he could cope. It wouldn't seem half so frustrating once he knew he'd have Renly fucking him to look forward to again. Today must be the day, he was sure, when Renly's silly resolve would finally break and they could both get what they wanted._

_Loras was thus confused when he entered Renly's chambers and found that Renly wasn't at his writing table, even more so when he wasn't in his audience chamber either, or shut up with the castellan that Loras couldn't stand._

_Baffled, he wandered back down to the courtyard in search of Renly. Several knights were loitering around there and, his chest swelling with pride to think that they no longer outranked him anymore, Loras approached to ask if they'd spied lord Renly this afternoon._

_"Went that way a few moments ago," one of them laughed, pointing. "Took his horse and all. Refused company."_

_Refused company? That confused Loras yet further. Renly never refused company; he loved nothing more than a witty companion who might share his japes and laugh at his jokes on the road. He guessed that it might be that Renly fancied a little solitude and was going to the clearing in the woods that he favoured, but even that troubled Loras. It had been years now since Renly had taken off anywhere without him._

_Quickly, he saddled his own horse, and set off after him, glad that this wasn't Highgarden and that Renly must have at least started by going west, unless of course he'd been intending to drive his horse into the sea._

_Indeed, he spied Renly a little way beyond the gates of Storm's End, quite alone, which surely meant indeed that he was heading to the clearing. Loras laughed to himself when he thought what Renly might be planning to do when he got to that place. If even Loras were getting desperate for relief, Renly must be all but aching for it. Were his chambers not private enough for such pursuits with all the servants lurking about at this time of day? Perhaps Loras could surprise him and offer to help with any not-so-little problem Renly might have._

_When Loras saw Renly pass the turn in the road that would have taken him into the forest though, he cocked his head, very confused. He was almost tempted to catch him up and ask, but oddly, it seemed that Renly didn't want to be spotted, let alone followed. Looking closer, Loras could see that he'd donned a plain brown cloak this afternoon, a plain garment that suited him ill and that usually Renly would have turned his nose up at._

_Drawing back, Loras shrunk into the crowd to follow him, amused by the way Renly would glance behind him every so often and look straight past him._

 

* * *

 

 

_The building had always seemed a cheerful one from the outside. It was carved from white stone, a rather pretty flowering plant trailing up one side, and often Renly would see scantily clad women laughing outside, sunning themselves on its steps._

_Inside, though, was another matter. It was dark and dingy and quite uninviting. Renly tried to make the best of it. He supposed that the threadbare carpets had been luscious once, and he hoped that the stains on the fabric covered chairs were merely water-marks._

_Renly wanted to flee. He didn't belong in a place like this and neither had he ever imagined that he might lower himself to paying coin for such a thing. Hit suddenly with the realisation that perhaps he wasn't so different from Robert after all, Renly wanted to hang his head in shame. It was humiliating, degrading even that he might be here._

_His thoughts flashed back then though to Loras, poor obliging Loras, bent over a bed or soaking in the bath perhaps, sluicing the oil from the backs of his thighs, sore after he'd been thoroughly used. He could see him as he'd been three days past even. The image was permanently engraved behind his closed eyelid: Loras with shining eyes, his mouth still wet, wiping a little of Renly's seed from the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb._

_Miserably, Renly wondered what Mace Tyrell would say if he could see his precious son like that- on his knees, a man's cock in his mouth. It was a humiliation that no noble boy should have to endure, let alone one that Renly cared for like Loras, and the thought that Loras might never have to do such a thing again was enough to prevent Renly from turning on his heel and fleeing. This was a foul place but if his frequenting it would mean that he could give Loras a little bit of his dignity back, then he was determined to embrace it with open arms._

_An old toothless woman greeted him. She eyed his rich clothes greedily and ushered him quickly out of the dingy common room._

_This room was better. It looked clean at least and efforts had been made to dress the plain walls. The woman ushered for Renly to take a seat on a deflated couch, less water-marked than the chairs had been but no more inviting. With a polite refusal of the seat as well as the wine that was offered, Renly stood with his arms crossed before him, watching the old woman shuffle the room to return with his penitence._

_Soon a dozen scantily clad women were prancing into the room, one by one like a gaudy, giggling parade that Renly wanted to close his eyes to. Some whispered to one another of how handsome the man before them was while others merely batted their eyelashes, hoping to lure in a rich customer who would leave their pockets overflowing._

_The old woman had returned with them and Renly beckoned her closer._

_"They don't please me," he told her._

_"None of 'em, m'lord?"_

_"None of them," Renly nodded._

_Comprehension dawned on her face and she shooed the girls away. They were replaced immediately by a line of boys. They didn't frolic so like the girls and Renly almost wished the playful women would return. They at least cut through the tension with their tittering laughs and that almost irritating way they would swish their hair over one shoulder._

_Swallowing his pride, Renly looked down the line. He found fault with all of them. The first was too tall, lanky with long limbs that Renly would have to fold up in order to be able to fuck him. The second was too short, the third too fat, the fourth too skinny with the body of a child. The next had ugly carrot-coloured hair and an ugly dusting of freckles across his nose, another a crooked tooth. The only one, meanwhile, with whom Renly couldn't find fault clearly knew he was handsome and that there was his fault. With his haughty airs, and arrogant expression, he reminded Renly so much of Loras that it made him feel queasy._

_Making his mind up quickly, Renly chose the one with carrot-coloured hair. He wasn't much to look at, but that, Renly supposed, was the point. Where Loras had been too beautiful for him not to possibly want more, this boy was no such thing. It would be easy to walk away._

_The others left the room after he'd made his decision and Renly eyed the couch again, deciding against it. He bid the boy get to his knees and the boy obliged without question, kneeling before Renly and unlacing his breeches with well-practised fingers. His touch quickly brought Renly to hardness despite previous reluctance and it was not long before the boy took Renly's cock into his mouth._

_The boy was skilled, more skilled than Loras. Loras fumbled in comparison and Renly was glad for it. Even if Renly were to close his eyes against the orange hair and mottled skin, he could not fool himself into believing that it was really Loras before him. That escape brought relief enough for Renly to sigh and allow the boy to take him deeper down his throat._

 

* * *

_Loras cursed himself when he realised he'd lost Renly in the crowd. Picking up his pace, he rode on, weaving in and out of the crowd in the hope that he might spot Renly again._

_He had no such luck and as he came to where the road left the town and carried on through the wide expanse of the Stormlands, Loras pulled his mare up irritably. It was impossible that Renly would have continued on alone and his determination renewed, Loras doubled back, retracing his steps. He supposed Renly must have entered one of the many buildings without him seeing._

_He passed the smith's, the tailor's and the baker's without seeing hide or hair of him. He was beginning to lose hope of ever finding him again in fact when he cast upon a horse that he recognised, tied up outside a tall white building._

_It was a building that Loras recognised and that made him frown. He and Renly had ridden past it many times and Loras had faint memories of his lord explaining gently to him what it was when he'd been a child, too innocent then to have understood why men might desire such things._

_Loras understood desire now. He understood each time he looked at Renly, and had thought Renly felt the same when he looked back at Loras, as if Loras was all he could want in the world. Evidently it was not so. Looking from Renly's horse to the reams of silk that hung from the windows, Loras felt a blinding rage tear through him._

_His hand went first to his sword but then to the stag brooch that was always pinned to the inside of his collar. It sat against his skin but it suddenly felt cold to the touch. Yanking it off with a rip of fabric, Loras clenched it in his fist hard enough as if he could bend silver. Furious, he spurred his horse on out of Bronzegate without a second glance behind._


	16. Chapter 16

Loras' words had found their mark. There was no other way around it. They had shaken Renly to his very core, tipped his world upside down and distorted everything he'd always taken to be true. Part of him had wanted to believe Loras, to take him at his word and lay his trust in Loras' hands, but he knew Loras too well to let himself wander down that dangerous path again.

Loras was an impulsive creature - he always had been - and Renly knew that those words, those amorous declarations that could have sounded so deceptively sweet to Renly's ears if he'd let himself truly listen, would have come out of his mouth without thought, without even pausing to reflect upon what he was saying. For truly, it was in Loras' very nature to be jealous. He was rash, like a child who might discard an old toy without a second thought one day but then, weeks later, when another child wanted to play with it, would snatch it back, wanting it once more purely because somebody else wanted it now.

And so it was with him too, Renly knew. Loras had offered him his body in the first place because he'd loathed to see his attentions turned towards another squire, and now, now that he'd heard Renly was to turn those attentions to a wife, he was determined to have him back. He'd probably fight tooth and nail to have Renly take him to bed now, but only because he couldn't bear the thought of somebody else having what once had been his. With that in mind, Renly did his best to not linger on the false promise in Loras' words.

* * *

Renly was unsurprised when a few days later, he heard that Loras had returned to Highgarden. His squire had always been bold, and brave, and Renly did not doubt that Loras would ride into war without a moment's hesitation, glorious on his horse and his dazzling in his armour. This, however, was a confrontation where Loras' sword would do him no good, and so he'd done as he'd done once before- he'd ran, fled far away where he could bury himself in roses and smiles.

Renly was glad of it. Highgarden was where Loras belonged, and where Renly knew he would be happy. Besides, as the ball quickly approached, Renly found that he had quite enough doubts of his own without Loras adding to them. He could do without Loras' presence at his ball.

He wondered dismally though whether Loras would grace him with his presence at his wedding, whether he would bestow that one last farewell. Renly thought it unlikely and yet part of him wished it would be so. He had always been fond of romantic songs and tales, stories of ill-fated lovers, and there would be a certain poetry to Loras witnessing what was to be their final parting. And one day, when his bones had turned to dust and his name was but a memory, he wondered whether bards would sing of the lord with the laughing eyes and the charming smile, sing of his love for a person who certainly hadn't been his wife.

He had not been wrong though to think that he would find at least some solace in the idea of taking a wife. As apprehensive as he was, Renly found that he longed for a simple sort of life, where the days could pass with balls and feasts and dancing, and where his biggest troubles would be when he fretted that the clothes he had chosen to wear clashed with the colours that his wife had picked out for herself.

Indeed, he thought of Loras often in the coming weeks, and yet, finally, safe in the knowledge that he was soon to be wed, he found that he could look back on their time together with something resembling fondness. He could remember the boy as he had been before times had turned sour.

He dreamt of him often, and his dreams were a comfort to him. In them, Loras didn't shout, he didn't sulk, he didn't barge into his room with false declarations of love. Instead, Renly fancied often that they were still at Storm's End, Loras still a young boy with bouncing curls and rosy cheeks, his smile bright as he chases after girls and does all the things that Renly would have had him do could he change his choices.

Sometimes, he even imagined Loras with a wife of his own, a bonny girl from the Reach with flowers in her hair who'd help him forget that he'd ever foolishly professed his love to the lord of Storm's End. That, Renly thought, truly would be a comfort to him.

* * *

The evening of the ball was fresh and mild, and it was as fine a ball as anyone had ever thrown. Fresh roses wrapped around each pillar in the hall, filling the air with a sweet perfume, and reams of colored silk draped the walls like shimmering rainbows. The guests were in their finest garments, for though it was officially the king's ball, Renly was the center of attention and that meant that nothing but the most extravagant fashions would do.

It was clear to Renly that the rumours he was seeking a wife had spread far and wide, despite that that detail had only passed between he and Robert. Women had come from every corner of the Seven Kingdoms, descending on the capital like mares in heat chasing after a particularly prize stallion. They'd come in all shapes and sizes, and looking around, Renly didn't think he'd ever seen such a variety of women. He felt rather like he had once in Dorne, presented with every spice and herb under the sun and expected to enjoy it, when truthfully, he'd really rather have had his food bland.

Robert had not expressed that it was to be a masquerade ball, and yet a fair few of the women had donned masks regardless, beautiful creations that were lined with gems and plated in silver or gold. Most took them off as soon as they came within a few feet of him, tucking them under their arms in an ostentatious display of wealth, no doubt intended to prove to him just what a deserving partner they were. Indeed, Renly found himself taking note, counting the gem stones as he passed and admiring their quality.

A very few kept the masks on, and Renly avoided those unfortunate women like the plague. It was evident to him that those women had something to hide- an unsightly wart, perhaps, or a hairy upper lip, or countless other horrors that would haunt Renly's nightmares for weeks. Indeed, he almost expected to see the Maid of Tarth hiding beneath one, and yet he supposed that even that a mask would do that poor girl no good. With her height, she should tower above everyone except the king himself.

He was glad when the dancing began. The ladies begged him for a dance with a desperation Renly had never seen before and he welcomed all the extravagant flattery they bestowed on him with open arms.

Alas though, he was but one man amongst a harem of women. He could not dance with them all at once, and never before had he seen women behave so viciously. Some girls, it appeared, would stop at no lengths to sabotage the chances of the girls that were prettier than them, and Renly saw girls slyly stepping on each other's dresses, or cunningly knocking over a cup of wine as if by accident, quite aware that the liquid would leave an ugly red stain on another girl's skirts.

Loras would have probably respected their ingenuity with underhand tactics, but Renly avoided those women too. He wanted a sweet wife, a gentle soul with a gentle hand. He had no desire for a conniving wife that might remind him often of Cersei.

He did his best to only dance with those he liked the look of, and yet often, he found himself cornered by quite inappropriate choices. One had a clear limp, dragging her left leg behind her awkwardly as they danced, whilst another had bright orange hair and freckles that was most off putting. He felt particularly guilty then, for he was sure that the girl in question was a cousin of Loras'. He felt less guilty for recoiling with horror when he noticed that one hopeful girl was clearly with child though. Whether she expected Renly to wed her without noticing or whether she thought that he simply would not mind, he had no idea. Either way, he politely made his excuses to her as quickly as he could.

There were many very eligible girls, from each of the kingdoms it seemed. Even one of the Frey girls was surprisingly pretty and yet Renly took solace in the fact that she was too young as he knew that he'd never be able to get past the idea that he would have Walder Frey for a good father.

Regardless of how pleasing they were to the eye, however, Renly found that when they pushed up against him to dance, he felt nothing, only emptiness. Their bodies were warm and soft against his and it ought to have been pleasing, but a mere glance from Loras would have done more.

As he danced with woman after woman, he imagined what it might be like to lie next to one. Slipping a hand gently about his partner's waist, he would wonder whether she might be comforting to have beside him in that maternal kind of way, or whether he and his lady wife might never share chambers, and if he would be one of those husbands who made the necessary visit to his wife's rooms a few times a year. That thought troubled him more than it ought to have done. Bitterly, he couldn't help realising that it might not actually be too different from how things had started with Loras. He'd go to their bedside, and they'd roll obediently over for him to make the love-making easier for him.

With that thought lingering unpleasantly in his mind, he decided to take a well-deserved break, heading back to one of the tables for refreshment. He was surprised then to catch sight of a girl he hadn't expected in the slightest to see in attendance, regardless of the fact that she was easily the most eligible woman there. He'd only seen her once before, a long time ago now, but she bore such a resemblance to her brother that it was impossible not to know exactly who she was.

"Lady Margaery," he greeted, pausing to say hello as was polite even though really he'd have rathered walk on by. "It's lovely to see you in the capital."

"It's lovely to be here," she replied, smoothing her skirts with her delicate hands, bowing her curly head in greeting.

"Are your mother and father well?" he inquired politely.

"Why yes," she smiled. "Very well." Smiling, she tucked one of her curls behind her ear in that way Loras did so often. Renly found it irritated him. He had no desire to think of Loras tonight.

There was a small silence though and Renly found he succumbed to the temptation. "And your brothers?" he asked tentatively.

"Well too," she laughed, and there was a twinkle in her eye that made Renly wonder how much she knew.

"Lovely to hear," he said, his tone coming off a little curt. He kissed her hand. "Now if you'll excuse me,"

He knew he was being more than a little rude by not asking her to dance, but he didn't think he would be able to bear it. Margaery was perhaps everything he desired in a wife, but he had less than no desire to be anywhere near her. She looked like Loras, she smelt like Loras, and Renly reckoned that if he were to lean in and kiss her, she would even taste like Loras. They were like two sides of the same coin and Renly loathed even to lay eyes on her.

Indeed, even from across the room, her presence irked still irked him, and Renly picked up the flagon of wine disdainfully.


End file.
